Unexpected Trigger

Today I had my 6 month dental cleaning--pretty routine. However, I changed to this dentist after Jerry's stroke because we needed to go together. During his stroke time, Jerry had 4 dental appointments which, I took him to, walked him in, and for cleanings, sat in the chair in the next room. The patient rooms are open at the ends so I could talk to Jerry and if needed, get up and check on him. Because of his swallowing complications, he took special treatment at the dentist because none of the water could go down his throat. He had to sit more upright. The last cleaning in December, Jerry was on his decline causing me to be more nervous than usual as I listened next door to what was going on. He never tried to get up out of the chair, but that was always a fear of mine. So today was my first appointment without my sidekick! The one I spent every hour of every day with for 22 months. The one I took out most afternoons for coffee, ice cream, or just sitting together in the garden. The one I was married to for over 50 years. This is hard!

The summer cold I had last week progressed into congestion in the chest resulting in antibiotics and steroids. I was thinking, of all weeks to be feeling so badly; however, it worked out that as bad as I felt, I just wanted to stay on the couch and sleep or watch movies all weekend. The horrible way I felt made me numb to the emotional pain of the week. I was finally fever free Sunday to be able to go to church but couldn't sing due to throat issues from the cold and the possibility of coughing. Today, I am finally feeling almost well! The sickness was actually well-timed.

Tonight was my GriefShare session. The video covered how different grief is for everyone. They don't talk about the stages of grief I had always heard about. The reason is that no one goes through the journey the same. If there were stages you felt like you needed to progress through on a schedule, you would find yourself going through a procedure not suited for you. Some recover more quickly and others may never complete their grieving process. I find I want to do some of my grieving alone and be with others at other times. It is unique to every person and also changes with the loved one you have lost.

The class emphasizes how important it is to turn to God and lean on Him for strength. Psalm 63:1 says, "You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water." What a great description this is of how we should long for God on a daily basis. In the summer particularly, I always have water close by and nothing satisfies thirst like ice cold water. I long to develop that thirst that can't be quenched without turning to God. The 22 months worked on just that but need it to grow and grow! I am so thankful for people who have been through this to guide me through on my journey. With God at my side, we will travel the grief journey together.