A Song to Minister to You

My dear friend, Linda, sent me a song with tremendously meaningful words. Listen to the song and you will be blessed.

This is so much of what I went through during my 22 months. Now that I am a widow, it continues to help me. Tears flow so freely right now, and I would not stop any of them. The blessings of growing closer to God are priceless. Learning to accept trials as God's mercies is a change of thinking but an important one.

We had a Christmas dinner last night with our extended family before we leave today for Kansas City. Not being in this house on Christmas day is a big part of making it through Christmas #1. We are all looking forward to fun times in the Air B&B there and finding fun things to do. I pray your Christmas will also be good.

Job 2:10a - He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job had far greater problems than I ever thought of having and yet, this was his thinking. God gives good and trouble. However, in listening to the song above, the trouble is to help us make the good even better. We grow so much by being forced to draw close to God. Take a different perspective on the storms in your lives!

Today I am thankful for:

1. The season of Christmas even with the tearful memories this year.
2. Beautiful songs to help us look at our storms differently.
3. Family and friends.
4. Wonderful meal last night.
5. Taking off today for Kansas City and visiting Tim's brother on the way.
6. Having Kinsey in town for the holidays.
7. David's reaction to receiving some of his Papa's tools last night for Christmas.
8. God's unfailing love.
9. God knowing each tear of mine and caring so much.
10. God helping us grow closer to him through the painful times.

Merry Christmas to each of you!

Christmas is on its way

Yes, Christmas is coming. The Merry is optional! I have had several bouts of crying balanced with times out at concerts and with people. This time is especially full of memories with Jerry's death on top of Christmas. However, this will be the last of the first. I will be at one year without my sweetheart.

Click here for my Christmas digital Christmas card in case you haven't found it through Facebook or another source:

Writing by book has helped both in the grieving journey and in adding more tears to my days. I just finished editing the chapter telling about Jerry's death. I cried when I wrote it, when I did my editing on it, and now as my first editor sent it back to review her edits. My second editor will be doing the same as well as the third. I have been blessed by three editors who are coming to the book from different perspectives helping the book to be so much better. I haven't started the search for a publisher yet as need to get it in excellent shape first. The new year will be spent working on that.

The twins first birthday party was last Sunday here at the house. I will include a picture in the email to you as due to legal reasons with the foster program, we can't post pictures on any kind of social media. They have helped so much with my grieving with their precious smiles and cuddles.

As much as I don't enjoy all the crying, I am still so blessed to have had a marriage worth the tears! Jerry's voice is still something I can listen to through YouTube any time--what a blessing technology is! There will be tears the rest of my life for sure. It is such a joy to remember God knows every tear that rolls down my cheeks and stores them in a bottle. What a caring God we have.

Here is a picture from the OC Remembers Monday night. This is the college where we met, and they did a remembering of those who had died during the last year.

Psalm 94:19 - "In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul." What an awesome scripture on God taking care of our anxieties! God's comfort has been with me every day this year as I have gone through all the firsts. The first of everything will soon be over--not the memories associated with those events but the difficulty of the first. Notice the word, "delight" is used to describe the comfort of God. He has truly been that for me this year in so many ways. Yes, I have cried my eyes out, but then I will spend time with the precious twins and the delight comes back. I will be really down and then pick up David from school and delight in spending time with him. I will miss Jerry for some reason and then there will be a concert to go to for my delight to return. God is so awesome!

Today I am thankful for:

1. The Christmas season even with the painful memories.
2. Remembering Jerry in his Santa hat.
3. Remembering Jerry's smile and his amazing hugs.
4. The joy of giving.
5. David's concert last Saturday.
6. David now being a teenager as of last Sunday.
7. Having lunch with the twins today and getting my hugs.
8. Chocolate every morning--dark, of course.
9. My editors for my book.
10. God's comfort and the delight it brings to me.

Christmas spirit -- Hmm

Christmas is close and the closer it gets, the more the tears are flowing. So many memories surround this time of year. Jerry spent the month of December last year slipping away. I put him in Hospice on December 20 and he passed away December 30. Yes there are many wonderful memories of my sweet guy. At the same time, there is a huge hole in my heart where his smiles, hugs, kisses, and Santa impersonations is supposed to be.

This morning, I decided to at least have his Santa hat on him and took the picture below.

It is such a comfort to have Jerry in my bedroom where I can talk to him daily. I tell him good morning. Sometimes I fuss at him for leaving me here. Then there are times I tell him to enjoy sitting at the feet of Jesus as the world here sings about the birth. Here is a beautiful video about the birth of Jesus. You will be blessed to listen to it.

There are distractions for my days. This morning, I worked in the greenhouse for Master Gardeners. What a blessing to be able to dig in the dirt in the winter time! On the way down, I played gospel music and sang loudly. Tonight is my ladies class Christmas party which will include lots of laughter and fun. But there are lots of times when I am here at the house missing his presence. Tears of healing flow regularly but also joyful memories of such a wonderful man and marriage.

Luke 2:4-7: "4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them." There is great joy in the birth of our savior. No matter how my grieving makes me cry, there is so much joy in being a Christian.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Winter weather.
2. Getting to garden in the green house this morning.
3. Going to a Christmas party tonight.
4. Wonderful gospel music.
5. My warm house on a cold day.
6. Yummy food tonight.
7. The birth of our Lord.
8. The season of joy even if it is full of painful memories.
9. The memory of my sweetie playing Santa for all the kids.
10. Jesus leaving heaven to come sacrifice for me.

Holiday of Grief

 This came to me sitting in a coffee shop this morning with Kinsey:

Holiday of Grief

Cheer is everywhere as we enter December.

Stores play joyful Christmas music.

Neighborhood lights brighten the winter nights.

Santas await children in all the malls

To hear the wishes of their little hearts.

Gift suggestions bombard the shopper

Through Internet, newspaper, phones, and social media

To bring happiness to all their recipients.

Parties and concerts clutter our calendars

Filling our days with holiday activities.

But it is my first—another first.

I’ve had my first birthdays and Valentines,

My first Mother’s and Father’s Days,

The first vacation in an empty car.

My first Thanksgiving but now it comes.

Christmas alone—no need to hang his stocking.

Christmas caroling without my amazing bass.

No Santa hat waiting for my husband’s head.

No children in stores sidling up to my Santa

To be noticed by my loving husband.

The tears flow with so many reminders.

The tears won’t stop with the memories.

The tears are this year’s Christmas decor,

The tears of missing my sweet Santa.

The tears of my first Christmas holiday a widow.

The joy of the season is still found

In the same memories that make me cry,

But most of all in the birth of our Lord.

That joy surpasses all the grieving

And promises a reunion some day.

Christmas is all about family yes.

But when part of that family leaves

Whether by death, divorce, or other choices,

It leaves an empty hole in the Christmas heart.

A hole never to be filled again.

Yes, joy to the world the Lord has come!

Find the joy where the joy belongs.

Reach out to those hurting this season.

Cry with them, pray for them, hug them.

The joy is not in the present but in the eternal.

Remember the hurting and those alone,

Take your joy and soothe their hurting.

Send a card, take a gift, sing a carol, say a prayer.

Christmas may not be the most wonderful time of year,

To those it isn’t, share your Christmas spirit.

Luke 2:8-14 - "8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven,     and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

We all have a great deal to celebrate this holiday season. Yes, it is my first alone and tears flow freely and often. However, as I celebrate this season of remembering Jesus' birth, my sweet husband is singing at the feet of Jesus in heaven. I can be joyful for him and for my future with him. I praise God for the salvation it offers to everyone everywhere in all situations. 

I didn't decorate a lot this year, but the manger scene was a must!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Teaching ladies class this morning on 2 thankful women in the Bible.
2. Getting the ladies started on keeping a thankful journal.
3. An inspiring sermon about Eastern European Missions and the power of getting a Bible in the hands of people.
4. The power of the Gospel.
5. Lunch with good friends.
6. Having Kinsey to spend the morning and afternoon with today.
7. The holiday season to turn people to Jesus.
8. The sweet memories of Jerry.
9. The joys of Christmas and being able to share that with others.
10. The birth of our Lord Jesus to bring salvation to a needy world.