I'll Keep My Grief!

As I was reading in one of my grief books this evening, I ran across this quote:

Don't let anyone take your grief away from you. You deserve it, and you must have it. If you had a broken leg, no one would criticize you for using crutches until it was healed. If you had major surgery, no one would pressure you to run in a marathon the next week.Grief is a major wound. It does not heal overnight. You must have the time and the crutches until you heal.
~Doug Manning from Don't Take My Grief Away, p. 65

Wow, as I read this simple quote, I realized how profound it really is. This is so true. When you have a physical wound, it takes time and treatment. I remember when I had my knee replaced almost exactly 10 years ago now. The first week was pretty horrific with pain as I tried to move it again. Physical therapy was torture for the first week or so. I used a walker to get around and took it easy. I rode a stationary bike for an hour a day for 6 months to get back to easy walking. It was about 1 and a half years before I felt normal.

Grief is a huge wound. Jerry was a part of my life for over 50 years when you count our courtship. I met him when I was 20 years old --the only years of my 72 without Jerry in it were those first 20--until now. Tomorrow will be 6 months since my sweet guy went home to sing in the heavenly choir. The house is quiet. My heart is bleeding from the wound of his death. But I must grieve in order to come to a place of healing. I must cry when I worship to get to the point some day that I can worship without crying. I must feel a pang of grief when I see a couple holding hands. I must hurt when I see a post on Facebook about a date night with their spouse. I must ache when I finish getting dressed and I don't hear my sweetie say, "Hello gorgeous!"

But I must grieve. Allow me to grieve. Let me grieve. Don't try to stop the tears or the hard Sundays. Don't take away my grief!

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2a, 4a  - "For everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven; a time to be born, and a time to die, . . .a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, . . ." 

In my CaringBridge journal, I always ended with a thankful list. Yes this blog is about my grieving process; however there are so many things to be thankful every day in the midst of my grieving.

Today I am thankful for:
1. My time today with the twins I am helping my friend's mom with--they are 6-month old adorable babies.
2. Getting to see Suzi in her performance of "Into the Woods" this afternoon.
3. Taking my 83-year old neighbor with me to the play.
4. Yogurt at Braum's.
5. Wonderful garden time this morning and evening.
6. Sweet memories of Jerry today.
7. Planning my trip to Colorado next week (leaving on Monday).
8. God's presence in my life every day keeping me from being lonely.
9. Prayer to keep me connected with God.
10. My time of grieving because it is my time of healing.

Caught off guard

They have told me in my GriefShare class of the triggers that will just pop up when you least expect it. Sunday was one of those days. Worship is hard anyway as for the last 50 years, I have worshiped with my husband, the beautiful, deep bass who vibrated the pew with his voice sitting next to me. Sunday, one of the announcements coming across the screen was: Praise Team--Bass singers needed! Wow, the tears started flowing. Yes, bass singers are needed and especially MY bass singer. I miss his voice every day but especially on Sundays. I don't even want to sit next to a bass singer or have a strong one close by. Hearing the bass voice makes my void bigger and more painful. I am thrilled he is singing in heaven but so miss him here.

A new quote I ran across in one of my grief devotional books is, "Between grief and nothing I will take grief." William Faulkner

Reading it was another one of those aha moments. Having no grief in my life would mean not ever having anything or anyone important enough or loving enough to grieve over. It would truly be sad to go through life and not grieve over a loss. Am I saying I am happy to be in a grieving situation. No, it is painful. I cry. I am lonely. I have a new me to learn. I sleep alone and eat alone. I travel alone. I worship alone. But all of these are in my life because I loved so deeply that now I grieve deeply. How blessed I am to have had a love that causes me to grieve!

Psalm 147:3 - "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."  I am truly not alone in my grieving process. God is with me every day holding my hand and binding up my grieving wounds. I serve a loving and compassionate God who knows every tear that runs down my cheeks.He puts band-aids on my grief wounds. He is tender and compassionate. Some days I am covered with band-aids! Thank you God!

A Very Long Journey

I learned in one of my grief devotionals that grief is a journey. You must go through grief and cannot go around it. Healing will not come from avoiding it but continuing on the journey.

There have been many journeys in my life. My daughter, son-in-law, and 2 grandchildren left on a journey today. They are currently on a plane flying across the ocean to Germany for a 2-week Let's Start Talking mission trip. The preparations for their journey started month ago. So many details must be taken care of to embark on a journey on that magnitude. Passports had to be obtained or renewed. Money had to be raised. And then there was the packing--wow, what an undertaking. What do you need and what can you leave behind? When the suitcases were weighed and one found over the limit, decisions were made of what could be left at home or carried on. Now the actual journey is underway. They are on an 8-hour flight from Houston to Frankfurt, Germany where they will catch a train for the remaining travel to Cologne where their mission campaign will be held.

How did I prepare for this journey of grief I have asked myself. I started by meeting Jerry when I was 20 years old and attending Oklahoma Christian College. Jerry was also a student there but older than myself by 5.5 years. I saw in Jerry so many qualities I wanted for a husband and father to my future children. We started dating and quickly discovered we shared so many common goals. Our main goal we shared was to live our lives serving God. We fell in love and planned our wedding.

The next part of my planning to grieve was the 50 years we spent married. We shared joys, sadness, success, failure, children and grandchildren. We had conflicts but also were committed to our relationship continuing through our lives together. Then during the climax of our marriage, we shared the "in sickness and in health" part of our vows. During our 22 months at the end, my grieving started. Because of Jerry's mental state, I am not sure he grieved the loss of our life together although he shared he was afraid to leave me alone here.

There would have been no need to grieve had I not loved Jerry with all my heart and spent the majority of my life with him.Yes, grief is a direct result of love. As I continue on my grief journey, I try to remember each day how blessed I was to love this man and have him love me in return. I am thankful for my grief because it means I shared a love worth the grief!

Psalm 147:3 - "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." I am not on the journey alone! God is with me every step of the journey now and in the future. This is a journey I believe will go on for the rest of my life here. Healing will come but the grieving will be a part of my remembering my sweetie. I am thankful I have a reason to grieve!

Unexpected Trigger

Today I had my 6 month dental cleaning--pretty routine. However, I changed to this dentist after Jerry's stroke because we needed to go together. During his stroke time, Jerry had 4 dental appointments which, I took him to, walked him in, and for cleanings, sat in the chair in the next room. The patient rooms are open at the ends so I could talk to Jerry and if needed, get up and check on him. Because of his swallowing complications, he took special treatment at the dentist because none of the water could go down his throat. He had to sit more upright. The last cleaning in December, Jerry was on his decline causing me to be more nervous than usual as I listened next door to what was going on. He never tried to get up out of the chair, but that was always a fear of mine. So today was my first appointment without my sidekick! The one I spent every hour of every day with for 22 months. The one I took out most afternoons for coffee, ice cream, or just sitting together in the garden. The one I was married to for over 50 years. This is hard!

The summer cold I had last week progressed into congestion in the chest resulting in antibiotics and steroids. I was thinking, of all weeks to be feeling so badly; however, it worked out that as bad as I felt, I just wanted to stay on the couch and sleep or watch movies all weekend. The horrible way I felt made me numb to the emotional pain of the week. I was finally fever free Sunday to be able to go to church but couldn't sing due to throat issues from the cold and the possibility of coughing. Today, I am finally feeling almost well! The sickness was actually well-timed.

Tonight was my GriefShare session. The video covered how different grief is for everyone. They don't talk about the stages of grief I had always heard about. The reason is that no one goes through the journey the same. If there were stages you felt like you needed to progress through on a schedule, you would find yourself going through a procedure not suited for you. Some recover more quickly and others may never complete their grieving process. I find I want to do some of my grieving alone and be with others at other times. It is unique to every person and also changes with the loved one you have lost.

The class emphasizes how important it is to turn to God and lean on Him for strength. Psalm 63:1 says, "You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water." What a great description this is of how we should long for God on a daily basis. In the summer particularly, I always have water close by and nothing satisfies thirst like ice cold water. I long to develop that thirst that can't be quenched without turning to God. The 22 months worked on just that but need it to grow and grow! I am so thankful for people who have been through this to guide me through on my journey. With God at my side, we will travel the grief journey together.

My Grieving Progress

So far, I have attended two of the GriefShare sessions on Monday nights. Yes, I have enjoyed the sessions listening to many people share their stories of the grief process for them. As I listened and have gone through the exercises designed for during the week, it seems I am farther along in the process than others with the same time since their loved one passed. Why I asked myself? Here is the reason I have come up with in my thinking.

The day I lost Jerry in reality was not December 30, 2017 but February 24, 2016--the day of his bilateral thalamic stroke. The man I sat by in the hospital room, held hands with, kissed at his encouragement, and listened to him starting to sing again was not my Jerry before the stroke. That whole Jerry with his brain working intact able to think clearly, remember people and places, pass on wisdom, and love the teens he was working in his daughter's classroom, able to get up walk, read, and sing at the drop of the hat was gone that day. He would never return. My grieving started that day.

But God blessed me/us with 22 months to enjoy the man He gave the privilege to care for until the rest of him died December 30, 2017. Those 22 months turned out to be the climax of our 50.5 years of marriage together. During that time, God blessed me with learning the true meaning of "in sickness and in health" while He gave me the strength to daily care for Jerry whether it was in the hospital, skilled nursing, or at home. He gave me challenges to strengthen me along the way but always provided me the solutions.

The relationship we had during our 22 months together was blessed in so many ways. Jerry grew to totally depend on me for his physical, emotional, and spiritual needs and never wanted to be separated from me. He acknowledged I was his advocate as he heard me fighting for him on many occasions. We hugged, kissed, had times of intimacy, prayed, walked together, sat in the garden together, went out together in the afternoons, worshiped together (often just the two of us), talked about heaven together, about his dying, about my living, and totally shared every moment of our lives together. God was amazing to give us that time to end our physical relationship here together.

That last week when Jerry was in Hospice, God even gave us a hour to talk at 11:45 p.m. -12:45 a.m. about our life together, his imminent departure to heaven, and openly share our fears and love. The night Jerry went home, I held his hand all night and into the morning he passed to the next life. The crying has not ended nor do I expect it ever will. However, what a gift God blessed us with that so many couples/parents/friends do not get to experience together--22 months to slowly grieve the loss of a precious loved one. This gift has helped me prepare to share my story with anyone who will listen as God gave me a purpose to live beyond Jerry's death. Our testimony is powerful of God's faithfulness.

Habakkuk 3:18 - "Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior." Rejoicing seems a strange emotion for a recent widow and yet, my God has given me many reasons to rejoice. Our 22 months was precious. It's end meant Jerry's beginning of his new life. Some day, I will join him there. Until then, my job is to share what God did for us with others. I will rejoice through my tears!

Happy Birthday Jerry!

We celebrated 2 birthdays after Jerry's stroke. When he turned 76 two years ago, I kept trying to get him to remember how old he was by singing 76 Trombones in the Big Parade but he never remembered it long. Last year, we had a group over to celebrate his and a friend, Paulo, who share the same birthday. He was happy and smiling. This year, he is even happier--singing and smiling in heaven turning 78. Of course, I guess there are  no birthdays in heaven; however, I will always remember it here in my life. It was strange not to be buying him a birthday present. He was so easy to buy for as he always loved every gift he opened even if he already had a dozen of the item!

My grieving today has been side swiped by my terrible cold. Not being able to breathe well doesn't lend well for thinking about much except the next breath. Lynn and I went out to El Chico, Jerry's favorite Mexican restaurant in Tulsa. He met anyone there for lunch who suggested lunch. When he walked in the door, the waitresses knew him well enough to put in his order for No. 5. The menu has changed so I couldn't order a No. 5 today. But I ate all the things he would have enjoyed--before the stroke. After the stroke, he lost his taste for Mexican food. Of course, there was much he could not eat being on a soft diet but tastes often change after a stroke.

My Georgia daughter, Kara, sent the beautiful flowers pictured. Daisies are some of my favorites as are yellow roses. Jerry called me his yellow rose of Texas.

Psalm 118:28-29 says "You are my God, and I will give you thanks; you are my God, and I will exalt you. Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever." God is always worthy of or thanks--even on down days. God's love is always with me even if I can't get a real hug and kiss from my Jerry. Love is not in short supply with God with me every day. I miss Jerry but am so thankful for the 50+ years we had together!

Tough Week

Tomorrow would be Jerry's 78th birthday and, of course, Sunday is Father's Day. You might say I have a double whammy this week! And on top of that, I am suffering from a summer cold combined with a very bad allergy season this June in Oklahoma. Perhaps feeling so bad already will allow me to slip through the rest of the week? Somehow I doubt it.

Lynn and I plan to go to lunch tomorrow and do some reminiscing. The picture below is from his 77th birthday last year.

As I prepare to enter another trigger for my grieving, I want to remember all the reasons I have to be thankful for with this sweet man and husband as Psalm 3-:11-12 says: "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever."

1. Jerry was a faithful and loving husband for over 50 years loving me even when I didn't deserve it. (So thankful God does the same.)
2. Jerry adored his daughters and they adored him. He was meant to have girls!
3. He loved his God above all else and served Him every day of His life.
4. He built things, fixed things, problem-solved things, and in general took care of things for me all our life together.
5. His song was the light of my days and love in my heart.
6. He loved people and they loved him in return.
7. He rubbed my feet with lotion every night and never missed a day telling me he loved me and kissing me.
8. He gave the best hugs in the world.
9. Jerry was the very best patient in the world after the stroke.
10. He sang Because to me twice: once when we married and again when we renewed our vows after 50 years.
11. He could think circles around me but loved me anyway.
12. Jerry always had warm hands to hold even in the Wisconsin winters.
13. His wisdom was always there for me to tap into.
14. His love of reading gave him a knowledge base to be a part of any conversation.
15. He was a wonderful grandfather/papa to his grandchildren.
16. Jerry had artistic talent oozing out of his pores--marvelous.
17. As a youth minister, he loved his teens with all his heart and did everything he could to help them be good Christians.
18. He was a great listener.
19. Jerry never complained. 
20. His death was precious in God's sight.
21. He has taken his place in the heavenly choir singing his lungs out every day.
22. He is free of his arthritis pain forever.
23. His mind and body are no locked in the chains of his stroke.
24. He is hugging our two miscarried grandchildren.
25. I experienced a love here on earth that is rare and precious from Jerry D. Cox!

Happy 78th birthday in heaven.

Ups and Downs

There are days when I think, "I can get through this just fine." And then something hits me and I just want my sweetie back--even in stroke form. Living with someone for 50 years is a long time to all of a sudden now be totally alone. And when I say totally alone, that can happen. If I am not going out somewhere or have an appointment here at the house, I can go all day without seeing anyone.

Last week I needed a new roof on the house. That is a Jerry job for sure. What do I know about getting bids, listening to roofers tell me what is good and best? How do I know if I am making the right decision or just an OK decision? You don't realize how much you depended on your spouse until he is not there. He took care of all the details of fixing, repairing, building, and financial matters. Can I do it? Yes, there is no other choice now. But does it ever make me miss him all the more!

In my GriefShare class last night, we talked about so many changes you go through following a death. My body can be hit hard physically and react to the grieving negatively. Taking care of myself is even more important now than ever without someone else here to take care of me. The only way to move is forward--there is no going back. I can reminisce about the past, enjoy the wonderful memories of a 50-year marriage but that is all in the past. I have a future to live--without Jerry! That is the hard part!

Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." God has it all figured out! I just need to trust in Him to guide me and take His lead!

Grief is the cost of loving someone

Attending the first session of GriefShare was a good idea for me. The video we watch has many people sharing who have had losses of their own. Their experience of grieving helps those of us in the class to process what we are going through in our personal journey.

After the class, I went on to their website, https://www.griefshare.org/ and signed up for their daily devotionals. The first day had this: " Grief is not an enemy or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of being human. Grief is the cost of loving someone." Wow, what a statement. If I am grieving (as I am) it means I had a love great enough for me to need to grieve. I am blessed! So many people in the world never have a love worthy of the grieving I am currently doing.

God never leaves us through our grieving. Isaiah 40:31 says, "But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." I can tell you I don't feel like soaring too many days lately. However, my hope is in my Lord knowing my strength will return to help be soar once again. Grieving is fatiguing so the promise of not growing weary is another great one. I will hang on to these promises as I move through days of many tears but also of great joy in the precious memories I have of my sweet husband.

Yesterday, I was in a cute gift shop in Ardmore, OK, and found this precious lamp. It was especially meaningful for me because of the angels teaching Jerry songs during the last 2 months of his life. He is now singing daily with the angels in heaven. I truly miss his beautiful voice here but will hear it again some day!

Grieving Triggers

Who would have even thought the triggers would come at random times all day? I expected singing in church to be difficult because of the amazing bass voice now absent from my side. But this morning in helping a friend take care of her nephews, 6 month-old twin boys, the trigger hit when we needed to change their diapers. Taking care of a stroke patient meant doing a lot of just that for the man I loved for over 50 years. Memories are everywhere--and they should be. We married when I was 21 years old moving me from my parents house to a new marriage with my husband. I had never lived alone--until now. I had never had no one to talk to in the house--until now. I had never cried so randomly--until now. Sitting at his desk is even difficult because it was his desk. Sleeping in our bed with one side empty is hard. Having only my clothes in the closet is just not right. Cooking for one is quite a change. Seeing a couple anywhere breaks my heart. Triggers--those little things that hit you when you least expect it and cause the tears to start flowing. I think I will have them the rest of my life!

Preparing to Grieve

Do you have to get ready to grieve? Not sure what the process is but being the planner, organizer, educator that I am, it seems needed. Of course, I have grieved since the first day when Jerry had the stroke. We all knew that day, Jerry would eventually succumb to the stroke. None of us, especially the medical team, could guess it would last 22 months. These were precious months for us to love this man, pamper him, enjoy him, and enjoy his presence. But the time did come when he went home to sing in the heavenly choir. On that day, my grieving moved to a new dimension--a totally new dimension.

Of course, I had grieved the loss of others in my life. There was my grandfather who died suddenly in his sleep when I was only 8 years old. My two grandmothers died, elderly and very different. My paternal grandmother was a quiet homemaker. I enjoyed sitting at her feet hours for hours watching her knit, crochet, or hand sew. I enjoyed her homemade bread and many other dishes she prepared. My maternal grandmother was quite different. She had been a teacher in public school of art and music. She taught me many crazy songs and was forever sketching scenes of what she would see out a window. On trips, she would sit in the car and start drawing when the trip began. By the time we arrived, she had a scene of the whole trip little by little. She also intensely taught me high school Old Testament Bible Credit.

Our 6-year old neighbor who was my daughter's best friend was run over by a school bus while we all watched. Then we experienced grieving as  a family for that precious soul who was taken much too early. A very difficult death was my mother's from pancreatic cancer. She was my support in so many ways. She died over 34 years ago and a huge hole is still felt in my heart. My younger brother and father died only 3 weeks apart reminding me of my frail humanity and also the promise of a long life with my genes. 

But none of these prepared me for the death of a spouse of over 50 years. We shared so much of life together: full-time ministry, times of unemployment, children, joys, sorrows, triumphs, failures, intimacy, and oneness. The two who were joined together as one are now separate. My next step is logically to learn how to grieve. Monday, I will attend a GriefShare group to start the process--one I never expect to end in this lifetime.

Moving On

Is it truly possible to "move on" from the death of a spouse of over 50 years? People tell you all the time, "You need to move on."  How do you do that? How with over 50 years of memories, do you put them aside and move ahead with your life? How do you react to all the triggers causing you to instantly tear up? I have heard grieving is not something you do and it is over. Grieving is a process that never ends. 

So I don't ever plan on losing the memories, quit crying, being sentimental over his art work, listening to videos of his singing with a pain in my heart, missing him on holidays and birthdays, talking to the box with his ashes, or truly moving on, What others mean by moving on will mean something different to me. It will mean carrying all the memories with me as I move on. I will never be the same person I was before I met Jerry. Not only did our marriage change me but my 22 months of caregiving totally changed me--for the better. I grieved throughout the 22 months; however, it was  not over when he passed away. Then my grieving simply moved to a new place, a deeper place, a more practical place. Tears will always flow and my God will continue to collect them in His bottle labeled "Lois Cox." (Psalm 56:8) 

A New Week--A New Start

Tonight I will start a new phase in my journey of grieving. This is the first class in my GriefShare starting at 6:30 tonight. I am ready to learn what I don't know about the grieving process. Sure, I have grieved other losses in my life but none as enormous as the loss of my husband of over 50 years. This is a loss like no other. Both of my parents has gone on but they are supposed to die before you. Actually, looking at statistics, husbands are supposed to die before their wives. However, knowing that doesn't make the loss feel any less. I just know I am not alone in this process. 

Am I ready for this? How would I know since it is a totally new process for me to journey through. I do know this. My God and my faith were with me as I journeyed through the 22 months of care with Jerry causing me to have no doubts that both will see me through this next step. Depending on God every day of my caregiving was essential to being able to do what I did for my sweet husband. I am quite sure the best way to get through the loneliness of grieving is the same--dependence on God. Psalm 24:18 says "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." The promise that God is walking by my side closely, even holding my hand is the assurance I need to make it through the process.

In this process, I am thankful for:
1. Wonderful memories of my sweet husband.
2. The support of so many people who have prayed for me for so long now.
3. Good friends.
4. Programs like GriefShare.
5. Technology to be able to write about my journey.
6. The knowledge of so many other widows encouraging me I can get through this.
7. The beauty of my garden each day.
8. God's protection each night as I sleep.
9. Church family and friends.
10. The knowledge of God being close to my broken heart.