The Lighthouse

Today I spent some time on Folly Beach close to Charleston, South Carolina. I have always looking for lighthouse and often driven out of the way to find them. Here is something I wrote sitting on the beach looking at the lighthouse.

The Lighthouse

The fascination of light houses.

What is it? Why so enticing?

Why am I so drawn to them?

They guide the sailor’s way

Safely to the harbor from the sea.

Warning of perils along the way.

Their beacon at night shines afar

Giving hope to the captain of ships,

Alerted to dangers and their port is in sight.

God is my lighthouse always there

His light shining night or day,

Showing us the way safely home.

I will keep my eyes firmly on the light

To guide, direct, warn, and show the way.

My path to make clear through my life.

Today I moved back to traveling in solitude. The time with my daughter and grandchildren was great--especially having someone to do the tourist thing with, someone to sit and eat with, and people to surround me in the morning and at night. It is truly an adjustment to the single life. I can't say I am embracing it but am adjusting to it.

"When someone we love dies, God hides a smile in every memory and hope in every tear." This quote was in one of my devotional books yesterday. Then I real this scripture this morning from Deuteronomy 28:13 - "The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom." Believing God has great benefits and here is one of them. God will be sure my emotions will be on the top. That doesn't mean I won't have depressing days--certainly I have had several since I left home. But God will keep working with me to bring me back up when I get down. Traveling alone is not my choice, but God is with me each day!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Another day at the ocean.
2. Safety on the roads.
3. Seeing the ruins of the beautiful Old Sheldon Church.
4. Finding a hotel room on Labor Day weekend.
5. The excitement of seeing historic Charleston, SC tomorrow.
6. Seeing a lighthouse--one of my favorites.
7. A great visit in Georgia.
8. Prayers and tears on the beach.
9. God's faithfulness.
10. God promising to keep me up on top even on down days.

The Meaning of Life

My trip to the Eastern part of the US has been great. I have seen lots of beaches, sunrises, sunsets, flowers, ocean waves, lovely cities and on and on. Traveling through the southern states on the Gulf Coast has shown me lush greenery with trees lining every highway. Tourist spots have all been hit, seen, and enjoyed.

Once again, however, I have learned the meaning of life. My trip has been full of value because of the friendships renewed, sharing my testimony about God's providence, and having a purpose in living my life from this day forward. Having fun is wonderful. Being a tourist is great. Eating out is so enjoyable. But it is WHO I am having fun with, sharing the sites with, fellow-shipping with over a meal with family and friends that is important! Relationships are the foundation of life.

The most important relationship is the one with my God! The prayer time with Him, being amazed at His nature, experiencing the beauty of a sunrise and sunset over the water, speaking about God's miracles in Jerry's recovery--that is what is important!

Jerry was an amazing man. He was a genius literally. He loved people with a deep care an concern for their well being. He served His God in the ministry for several years. He loved his family. He honored his commitment to our marriage covenant for 50 years. He lived through physical pain without complaint. He never turned away from his commitment to His God.

Ecclesiastes 12:13 - "Now all has been heard;   here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments,  for this is the duty of all mankind." Solomon had everything this world considers valuable and important: wealth, wisdom, and women. He spends almost the entire book talking about how meaningless life seems to be. And yet he ends with this conclusion of the total purpose in life. Our entire duty is to fear God and be careful to obey his commands. Jerry did that his entire life. He never amassed a lot of wealth or fame, but his life was totally successful and full of value and meaning. How wonderful to have these memories of my sweet husband.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Time with my daughter, grandson, and granddaughter.
2. Morning sunrises.
3. Evening sunsets.
4. The nature connection with God.
5. Sweet memories of Jerry.
6. Having a testimony to share.
7. Reconnecting with friends and family.
8. Playing games with my family.
9. Enjoying Cassidy's cockatiel. 
10. The knowledge of my whole duty in this life.

God's Love is at the Ocean

My time here has been wonderful--especially the time at the ocean. I have been uplifted, comforted, strengthened, and inspired by the movements of the ocean. Here is something I wrote just this morning while drinking my coffee and looking out at the shoreline at my daughter's home.

The Tides

Each evening the tides begin to rise

Ever so slowly the water inches up

The shoreline disappears as it rises.

Each morning the tide begins to lower

And again ever so slowly the water inches down

The shoreline comes back into view.

The moon's pull is the mighty force

To create this daily ocean action

That happens daily, monthly, yearly.

In and out as regular as a ticking clock

As dependable as the rising of the sun

As consistent at winter melting into spring.

God is the power behind it all.

His power is dependable, is consistent

More important His love is the ultimate force!

Yesterday was a great day. I was given the honor of speaking on Sunday morning as the sermon in an Episcopalian church in Richmond Hill, GA close to my daughter's house. How wonderful to be able to share God's amazing care through our 22 months. God is blessing me with such wonders.

Lamentations 3:22-24 - "Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;   great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;  therefore I will wait for him.” What a wonderful scripture to go along with my thoughts on the tides. Great is God's faithfulness seen in all areas of nature but especially in my life! God has gotten me here safely (even through being pushed off the road onto the shoulder by a semi) and has helped me move from loneliness to solitude. Life is manageable with God by my side! Here is a picture of sunset as seen from my daughter's dock.

Today I am thankful for:

1. Being at my daughter's house.
2. Having Kara, Alex, and Cassidy come to support me when I preached yesterday.
3. The opportunity to spread God's amazing care.
4. The ocean
5. The tides.
6. Seeing God's beautiful sunsets.
7. Playing games with my grandchildren yesterday (even if the beat me).
8. A fun week ahead with m kids here.
9. The opportunity to travel.
10. God's faithfulness never ceasing!

Praise to God for His protection on the road.

Blessed Travels

Monday morning at 7 a.m., I left Oklahoma City on my longest solitary trip yet. I will be seeing lots of family and friends, but the first little bit is on my own. However, God is right beside me showing me where and how to minister to people. That night, I stayed in Lafayette, LA. I stopped at one hotel and decided against it so went on to the next one. The desk clerk who checked me in, as it turned out, lost her fiance last year from a sudden heart attack. I listened to her story she told through her tears and gave her the comfort I could. When I left the next morning, I left a GriefShare devotional book at the desk for her when she comes in next.

Tuesday was a total Jerry day. I only had about 5 hours of driving to accomplish for the day and used only 1/2 a tank of gasoline. When I got into Mississippi, the visitor center recommended the scenic route 90 along the Gulf Coast. Wow--what beauty! The beaches were quiet and often empty. I didn't stop unless someone else was out (using wisdom in being alone) there but it was often just a few others. I prayed, cried, and missed Jerry a lot. It was very therapeutic.

In one of my grief books, A Decembered Grief, here is the end of a little story that fit my beach time perfectly. "And I sat there for five full minutes gazing at the wonder of it all reflecting that I had just leaned how to move from loneliness to solitude. There is a vast difference." (Liz Carpenter from Seven Choice: Taking the Steps to New Life After Losing Someone You Love.)

Yes I cried because of not having Jerry with me but also learned the joy of solitude especially at the ocean. You will never be alone at the ocean with God's magnificence. A lot of this trip is solitude but it is another step in my grieving journey. Solitude with God is a good thing--it is just the solitude part that needs adjusting to in my new life.

I Thessalonians 4:13 - "Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope." Grieving is not pleasant but as a Christian is filled with joy. Joy in death is only possible with the hope we have as a Christian of a better life. Sorrow and joy can go together--off and on. One minute I am so sad to be traveling with Jerry in a box in the car rather than driving and the next minute I am rejoicing he is singing his heart out in heaven. I can truly not imagine grieving without the hope of salvation! I would never be able to get through it.

Today I am thankful for:

1. The ocean.
2. The beach.
3. Sea shells.
4. The solitude of the waves rolling up on the short (do you see a pattern here?).
5. God giving me opportunities to share on my trip even before I get to my first talk.
6. The Dell technician who worked with me at midnight last night to solve an update gone bad.
7. Safety on the trip.
8. Meeting greeters at all the visitor centers who think their state is the best, most beautiful, and greatest.
9. Comfortable hotels with great breakfasts.
10. Hope!!!!

Praise God for his beauty, his comfort, his care, his hope, and his companionship!

Tough Week

This will probably be the practice for the future. Some weeks are just down all week! So many triggers and memories to take me to a place of mourning. Today was one of those particularly. One of the gentlemen, Dale Hawkins, who spoke at Jerry's Celebration of Life service here passed away on Wednesday from the brain cancer that attacked his body a year ago. He was a sweet Christian man who was greatly influenced by Jerry.

I remember after my mom died years ago, I didn't attend a funeral for about a year because it was just too difficult. This one I knew would be as I planned to attend but wanted to honor this fine man and the memory of Jerry. It was a time of remembering and crying--lots of crying. Tears are so cleansing if you will remember I posted a quote something like, "what soap is the the body, tears are to the soul."

This afternoon, we were privileged to meet another Ph.D. engineering student who is Milad's new roommate. They had us over for lunch at their new apartment for the year. Arman also came but we didn't see Reza. The new student is Mohammad. We (Tim, Lynn, David, and Kinsey) had a great lunch cooked by these guys. Here they are.

David arrived back from his world travels to Japan and the Philippines at least 2 inches taller and with a voice change. He even has fuzz on his face and was talking about needing to shave soon. What a summer of growth! He had a great time and experienced great differences between countries.

John 14:18 - "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." Yes, God brought a joyous afternoon to me after my tough morning at the funeral. My week has been so busy there was no time to drive to get a massage from my 2 favorite therapist, so decided to go to a no-appointment-necessary place. They were already closed but as I was driving to get back on the highway, I spotted another place, walked right in and got my muscles loosened before my drive on Monday. Yes, God is always there with comfort and anything else I need.

What I am thankful for today:

1. The beautiful life celebrated of Dale Hawkins today.
2. Seeing several old friends at the service.
3. David's safe arrival back home.
4. The growth he has made over the summer in physical, mental, and spiritual maturity.
5. The wonderful friends we have made with these smart Ph.D. students at OU.
6. A massage to get me ready for Monday's travel.
7. Beautiful memories of Jerry every day.
8. Cleansing tears.
9. The hope of Christians for a better life.
10. God's comfort with me every day!

Pray for safety on my trip please. I am driving far, far away and will be gone almost a month!

An unusual trigger of sound

The workmen are coming each day to make progress on my bathroom redo. Today was the day for the carpenter who is putting in a closet in the old shower, adding shelves, putting in the door, and the baseboards. Once he was set up and starting working, I heard the sound of the air compressor gun. Jerry used his for all his projects. The first time I heard the "gun" shoot a nail, the tears flowed. It really surprised me what that sound did for me. Of course, when we built the sun room and heard that sound, Jerry was still alive. The sound didn't bother me then with him sitting beside me.

It is amazing how many things remind me of Jerry! He has journals everywhere, and I often pick one up and read something he wrote. Often, it is notes from a sermon with a thought he had and developed further. I have enjoyed very much taking naps in his recliner where he spent so much of the stroke sleeping. It makes me feel Jerry is surrounding me with his warmth--I love that feeling and miss that feeling at the same time.

Today has been a rainy day. Those remind me of Jerry because as my joints start to hurt with the change in weather, I remember the tremendous pain he suffered with any weather change. It thrills my heart to know he has no more joint pain in heaven! But I sure have heart pain here!

Jeremiah 31:13b - "I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." This is a promise from God and used in the GriefShare materials. Yes, I know God gives comfort and joy to the grieving. It isn't joy that is bouncing off the walls. It is joy knowing God is in control, Jerry is by his side, and I am not alone here. Joy comes from our salvation in the Lord and the hope we have of an eternal home some day. It is true joy because it comes from God and not from anything earthly here. And God's comfort is the perfect comfort. When we as humans try to comfort someone, we can easily say the wrong words, come at the wrong time, or even give the wrong gift. God knows just what to say--it is in His word. If we are daily in His word, those comforting verses will come to you. I know this because they come to me!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Getting together for lunch today with a friend I grew up with in Dallas.
2. Sharing with each other about our husband's strokes. Her husband had a stroke 11 years ago and she is still caregiving.
3. Rain to make everything green.
4. Real progress on my bathroom project.
5. The excitement of planning my trip next week.
6. A delicious new restaurant, The Owl Shoppe, in Shawnee, OK for lunch today.
7. A low-key day with the rain.
8. Chocolate--only dark of course.
9. Getting to work on my book tonight.
10. God's promise to turn my mourning into gladness and sorrow into joy!

Look at the color of these gladiolas! God's color palette is amazing!

I am getting 4-6 Facebook friend requests from widowers around the country each week! Delete, delete, delete!

I Didn't Lose Jerry

In my GriefShare class last Monday night, we had a lesson on Heaven. It is so common for us to say we lose someone when they pass away, and I say it all the time. I lost Jerry December 30. However, the class pointed that to lose someone means you don't know where they are. With Jerry as with so many other Christians I have had die in my lifetime, they are not lost--I know exactly where they all are and especially my sweet guy. He is singing his heart out in the angel choir!

It is one more thought to help me adjust my thinking to my single life. Yes I still miss Jerry but know he is in such a better place with a perfect and whole body. Something else in the video was the point that even though we miss our loved one, they are probably not missing us in their new life. It is a great life and they know we will eventually join them.

I am getting ready for my next trip which will take me to Florida, Georgia, South and North Carolina, and Tennessee. I currently have 3 speaking engagements to share my testimony about how God took care of us during our 22 months. This also helps me with my grieving process so much to be able to share about my God! It is more difficult to stay in the depths of grief when you are praising God to others. And just as we are about to get some cooler weather here (in the 70s!), I am heading to Georgia where it is hot and humid! Oh what we do for the love of our children! (Kara and family live in Georgia close to Savannah.)

This week was also productive for my book. The writing process is good for me to work through again God's care and relive the time with Jerry. We had some extremely difficult times as well as huge blessings and a peace that could only come from God. "However, as it is written: What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived”—the things God has prepared for those who love him." I am so honored God is giving me the privilege to travel, see lots of old friends, and share my testimony with so many people. My mind could really not conceive what is happening to me right now. It is amazing!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Opportunities to speak and share my testimony.
2. The beauty of my garden with rain last week.
3. Releasing now 13 black swallowtail butterflies and 11 chrysalises to go.
4. The GriefShare classes I attended (I have a few sessions to make up).
5. The time I have with the twin boys on Thursday night--they are so adorable.
6. Master Gardeners meeting Friday with an super interesting class on honey bees--God is above awesome in His creations!
7. Good sleep this week.
8. Great quiet times in the mornings and the blessing of prayer.
9. David will be coming home this week after 5 weeks in Japan and the Philippians.
10. The things God has prepared for me!

Here is my sweetie--I certainly didn't lose him. He is in heaven singing!

Happy 51 Anniversary to Me and my Sweet Guy in Heaven

As I ponder the day ahead of me without my sweet guy, I wrote this Psalm:

Precious Memories Psalm

Is Precious Memories just the name of an old hymn used at funerals?

Are there precious memories surrounding other events in our lives

Or people in our circle of family and friends?

Are precious memories valuable to create and then remember?

Precious memories are the substance of what we have left.

They are the ingredients scrapbooks are made of mingled with photos.

They are what makes holidays and vacations special and worth repeating.

Hallmark built their business on the precious memories of society.

While precious memories are carried from birthday to birthday,

Anniversary to anniversary, holiday to holiday, and song to song,

Precious memories are especially valuable when you lose a precious person.

They help keep that person alive in your thoughts, writing, and speaking.

I have precious memories of 50 years of marriage to my sweet guy.

Memories of our courtship including falling in love with his bass voice.

Memories of early marriage and involvement with our faith in God,

And memories of becoming parents together.

There are precious memories of moving from home to home

And job to job as we took our family on the road creating memories along the way.

There are career memories, ministry memories, raising children memories,

And daughter’s getting married memories adding to our family.

Precious memories are heightened with the birth of grandchildren.

Each new life brought unique memories with that child.

Memories we created to cherish throughout their lives and ours.

Memories to carry us through our golden years.

Then the precious memories came to a difficult time of my sweet guy’s stroke.

Could this time give me memories I would want to keep or painful memories?

Would God’s word be true in walking beside me and carrying me through this time?

Yes, these would be memories but would they be precious memories?

And yet here I sit on the other side of caregiving for 22 months during the stroke,

And the precious memories flood my soul as the old hymn says,

Memories of holding hands to help Jerry walk to the car to go to the coffee shop.

Memories of laying in bed beside Jerry just loving him and him loving me back.

There are precious memories of recovery far beyond medical predictions.

Memories of my sweet guy amazing doctors, nurses, and therapists with progress.

Memories of hugs, kisses, and closeness beyond my dreams after a stroke.

Yes, precious memories of my caregiving days held up by God.

The most precious memory of all is the celebration of our 50th anniversary.

It was one year ago today as I write this on August 5 when we renewed our vows,

When my sweet guy sang Because to me as he had done 50 years previously,

And memories of once again vowing our love til death do us part.

When death did part us 5 months later, the precious memories were created

Even as we held hands that one last time this side of eternity,

Even as my sweet guy took his last breath and his first one in heaven,

Even as our time as husband and wife ended but the memories lived on.

Yes, precious memories stay with me today and will forever hold me up.

Memories of a life well lived together sharing, loving, giving, and being.

Memories of a marriage committed to God and each other,

Precious memories to carry me through my journey of grieving.

Praise God for precious memories of life and love, of joy and sorrow,

Of success and failure, of anger and reconciliation, of pain and healing.

Memories are what we have when events end, when holidays are over,

When vacations are finished, when friendships end, when life ends.

Precious memories--thank you God for each one!

Our Loves Ones On Loan from God

One of the points in our GriefShare last Monday night was the discussion that our loved ones are a gift from God to have for a time before going back to God. This thought comes from Job 1:21 - " . . . "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised." God gives life and in giving life gives us our children and our spouses. They are not ours to keep but to enjoy for the time we have them. Then God will take them back to our true home--with Him.

This helps in the grieving process to understand Jerry was never mine to keep. God let me have him for 50 years of marriage and 77 years of life, but he belonged to God. Jerry's life was long by most standards while others die very young. We don't understand the reasons of why some people live just a few days or months and others many years. My dad lived to almost 97. God's timing is perfect but it is rarely our timing. It takes tremendous trust.

Life as a widow is not the life I chose to live and yet that is where I find myself--alone and single again. There are certainly lots of widows in the world so am not alone in that sense. Some widows adjust better than others. Some look to remarry quickly to not be alone. Others embrace their single life and move forward with their lives. 

The biggest key in the scripture from Job is the last part of the verse. After Job acknowledged God had given him much in his life but then had taken it all away from him, he continued to praise God. As I look at Job's situation losing all his children and possessions, I am not sure I would have had the same attitude of praise for God. My first thought would be to turn away wondering why God would allow all this to happen to one of His servants. 

A quote from Charles Stanley's Life Applications Bible explains praise this way:

"The greater your praise, the smaller your problems will appear. The more frequent your praise, the less you will find yourself with time to worry or feel anxious. The more you praise Him, the more you are going to see things worthy of His praise. As you exalt Him, your entire attitude will shift from an unhealthy, 'I focus' and 'problem focus,' to a healthy and joyful 'God focus' and 'answer focus.' So take a cue from the prophet Isaiah and proclaim: 'O Lord, You are my Go, I will exalt you, I will give thanks to Your name; for you have worked wonders, plans formed along ago, with perfect faithfulness' (Is. 24:1)."

What all this says to me is I am to praise God every day in my grieving. I am to praise God in my loneliness. I am to praise God in the adjustment to the life as a widow. I am to praise God!

Today I am grateful for:

1. The gift of Jerry to me for 50 years of marriage.
2. The gift of my children to me for (at this point) 42 and 45 years.
3. The gift of my grandchildren.
4. The gift of the precious 8-month-old twin  boys I help with every Thursday night.
5. A beautiful summer day in Oklahoma--not too hot or humid.
6. Lunch with my daughter, Lynn, and then going through Jerry's music.
7. Meeting the 5-year old son of the tile layer for my bathroom.
8. A day at home to work on projects and write on my book.
9. Good sleep at night.
10. The reminder to praise God no matter what is going on in my life.

Here is a picture of my sweet Jerry with 2 of our grandchildren. This was taken the month we lost him last December. These are 3 of my gifts!