Tough time of year

It seems the grieving has picked up more and more in the last few weeks. It could be the upcoming anniversary next Monday--would be our 51st. It also could be another season of my grieving. I have learned I will have good times and deeply grieving times for a long time. Returning from Colorado, I hit a low spot emotionally. Things are still busy around here with a redo of my bathroom causing lots of people in and out of my house. And yet, I am lonely and the grieving is very real.

My GriefShare class last night was on not getting stuck in grief. Some people will get to a certain point in their grieving and for some reason get stuck there for weeks, months, or even years. I can still remember when we watched 6-year-old Heather get run over by a school bus on our street while my daughter, Lynn (her best friend) watched from about 10 feet away. The parents went to a grief class to deal with their pain. She said there were some parents who had lost children 20 or more years previously but had barely moved past that point in their lives.

My seasons go in and out. The triggers are a big part of it. Today, I put most of what was left of Jerry's clothes in the car to take to our church clothes pantry. Yes, I know others need them and Jerry doesn't with his new body in his eternal home. However, it was very painful to take them out of the closet and put them in the car. I know Jerry isn't coming back but everything that leaves the house of Jerry's is one more proof this is permanent!

Here is a quote from Reader's Digest by Steve Sims: "If something's going on in your life and you're struggling? Embrace it. Because you're growing." I guess my struggling was not over just because I am no longer a 24/7 caregiver. Struggling continues through the journey of grieving and that journey is a long one.

II Corinthians 4:16 - "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." God is always there to remind me of the positive things. God's presence is always there and the Spirit is working within me to keep be going from day to day. So many days, I feel truly like I am wasting away physically and in truth, I am. We were never meant to live here much past the age I am currently.  And yet, with all my grieving, I am reminded of the temporary state of our lives here and our eternal life waiting for us. I grieve because I am alone but not because Jerry has gone home. He is in such a better place. My spirit as the scripture says, is renewed day by day to allow me the strength to keep plugging along!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Being able to bless others who need clothes with Jerry's.
2. Releasing 3 new Black Swallowtails today in my garden. (see video)
3. Watching the miracle of God's cycle of life right in my kitchen with my butterfly house.
4. Having the new pastor and family over for lunch today. He is moving to Onalaska, WI to work with the church where we worshiped for 17 years. He is moving from here!
5. His excitement about the ministry he is moving to there.
6. God always being here every day for my strength.
7. God answering my prayer for butterflies to be ready to be released for the 4 young boys who came to lunch today.
8. My bathroom project moving along well.
9. A wonderfully cool day--yes in Oklahoma!
10. My inward spirit being renewed day by day--how awesome is that?