What to do with known triggers!

Last Wednesday, my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter asked me to go with them to the Wonder of Worship, a singing service held throughout the summer at Memorial Rd. Church of Christ. Normally, it is praise songs and is a very uplifting time of worship. This week's was to be old hymns.

During the 22 months with my sweet guy after his stroke, he loved to sing the hymns because he could remember them. Strokes wipe out recent memories which included the praise songs. However, Jerry could sing old hymns including several verses by memory in his lovely bass harmony. I pondered what to do because of the trigger I knew it would be. 

Jerry left me to sing with the angels 7 months ago now. Surely I could get back to singing hymns without too many tears! Life is out there and I need to be involved in living it rather than avoiding things. I was singing more in the car with gospel music and crying only occasionally so I decided to try the evening.

The songs were beautiful and brought back many memories of growing up. However, they also brought back memories of Jerry singing them during the stroke days. When the song leader started My God and I, the tears flowed freely. Lynn sang that one with her dad often. It became their song. And then they started singing songs about heaven--I was done! 

To the lobby I went to sit out the rest of the service. I am proud of myself for attempting it but also realize I am not ready for that just yet. Worship is often the toughest part of the week because of missing the PV Bass (pew vibrating bass) who is absent from my side. I know healing will still come and some day, I will be able to sing through a worship without tears of grieving.

Psalm 46:11 - "The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." Wherever I am in my grieving, my God is right there with me. I am never alone to cry without His knowing it. He has continued to provide the fortress I need to stay securely inside of throughout the tougher times. I read a quote this week: "What soap is to the body,  tears are for the soul." (Jewish proverb, Leo Rosten's Treasury of Jewish Quotations, 449) I am not going to try to stop the tears but know God is aware of every one that falls--that is a HUGE comfort to me.

"When a person doesn't have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude." ~~ Elie Wiesel 

Today I am thankful for:

1. Black swallowtail butterflies. The picture shows the second one out today.
2. My garden with its beauty.
3. The memories of Jerry's beautiful bass voice.
4. The wonderful old hymns even though they bring tears.
5. Breakfast out yesterday with a friend and my granddaughter.
6. A morning of cooking for Kinsey's birthday lunch tomorrow with family.
7. God has helped me get through 7 months of being a widow.
8. Technology to be able to share my thoughts with others.
9. Plans for visiting my younger daughter, Kara, in August.
10. God is with me every day! What a huge blessing.