Grieving Continues

It is probably because Valentine's Day is tomorrow and my Valentine is no longer here, but February has been a weepy and down month. Valentine's is a day of love and sweethearts. Mine is gone but his love lives on within me. He will always be with me in sweet memories! This Valentine's memory came up on my Facebook feed today from 3 years ago. Jerry and I went out to dinner on February 13 of that year which turned out to be 11 days before his stroke. What a lot changed in such a short time. Life is certainly not a guarantee. Live every day to its full extent being sure you tell those you love that you do!



My third editor is sending back her edits on the rest of the chapters. She suggested I need one more chapter because felt it left her hanging. I will be working on an Epilogue rather than adding chapter 19. This project seems to be never ending!

Last week, I had a great trip to Boerne, Texas to see my sister, Linda, and two cousins, Joetta and Brenda. We had a wonderful visit reminiscing. Our mothers were three sisters so we are truly connected in many ways. Brenda brought old scrapbooks and pictures for us to look through. It was a memory-making visit.

I have been reading about Moses again in my yearly readings. Two scriptures stood out to me this time.

Exodus 33:17 - " And the Lord said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked,because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.”

It is so cool God knows us by name! Someone once said that if God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it! How amazing is that for him to know us so personally. He had our lives written in a notebook before we were born! Wonder how big His library of notebooks is?

Exodus 34:10 - "Then the Lord said: “I am making a covenant with you. Before all your people I will do wonders never before done in any nation in all the world.The people you live among will see how awesome is the work that I, the Lord, will do for you."

My time during the stroke is a testimony to the second scripture. God certainly did wonders for me and Jerry during our 22 months. He was truly amazing and I want to share that with so many others!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Naps in the afternoon.
2. That I am NOT still living in Wisconsin and teaching in Minnesota with all the snow there right now.
3. Getting my walking in this morning at the gym with Kelly Ann.
4. Helping to take care of the children this morning at Bible Study Fellowship.
5. Working on my taxes to have them done and off my list before I go to Israel next month. (Now to pay them when I get back!)
6. Going to see the twins tomorrow night after a 2 week break. I miss them.
7. Such wonderful memories of my Valentine.
8. The love we shared for over 50 years sustaining me through this time of year.
9. God knowing me by name.
10. The amazing things God has done and continues to do in my life.

Wisdom from C.S. Lewis

My Sunday night life group is studying C. S. Lewis, his books and thoughts. Here is a quote from his book, The Problem of Pain:

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world."

It seems I keep reading about pain in my devotionals and everywhere. Pain is so much a part of this life. God created a perfect world and placed two imperfect people in that world. Sin entered the world and with it pain. For that reason, we will have pain and suffering through out lives; however, God gets our attention through our pain to help us grow and mature.

I have been listening to Chonda Pierce, Christian comedian as I have been walking in the mornings at the gym. Even though she is an extremely funny comedian, she also have suffered from clinical depression as well as some major deaths in her life including her husband after 31 years of marriage. She says, "Rehearse in the dark what you learned in the light." This says to me that when things are going well, we need to soak up the goodness of God so we can remember that goodness when things aren't going well. God is good no matter what is going on in our lives!

Yes, I have been walking and climbing stairs in the morning at the Baptist church gym like a dedicated athlete. March 11, I leave for 2 weeks in Israel and Egypt. The end of the trip will be the opportunity to climb Mt. Sinai which has ONLY 3,750 steps to the top! I may not be able to do due to my atrophied heart muscle--nothing that is dangerous to exert myself but makes me very winded when I do. But I will give it my best shot. The picture is the gym where I walk and climb.

Psalm 34:15 - "The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ear are attentive to their cry." This confirms God is still good when we are in pain. His ear is particularly attentive to our suffering and when we need to cry out to him for help. God is faithful--I know that from my experience and you can too!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Not still living in Wisconsin with all the cold temps there!
2. A beautiful day of serving people.
3. A new huge island in my kitchen which is great for food preparation.
4. Spending time with the twins tonight and getting lots of hugs and kisses! They are almost 14 months now.
5. Going to see my sister next week in Boerne, Texas.
6. Warm temps this weekend to enjoy.
7. My special friend, Henry, coming over last night to help me cook lots of food for shut ins at church.
8. Warm houses on the very cold days.
9. Walking in the gym and climbing stairs to prepare my body for my trip.
10. Knowing God is hearing my cry when I need him the most.

Book moves forward

My book is off to the third editor, my college roommate who was an English major. The three editors have been very different in their approach which should give me a well-rounded text when finished. I am excited to have it in this stage waiting for the publishing stage. My son-in-law, Tim, has great ideas for finding a publisher through connections he has. He also has great ideas about getting me out to do some speaking this year. I am praying things will happen to allow God's story to be told.

At this point, it is close to 300 pages telling God's story. This is all getting me ready for the next phase of my new life and my new ministry. God has been amazing to give me such a great purpose in life.

The new year has brought a beautiful newness to life. Of  course, a new year always brings an overall newness to things, viewpoints, and future. This week, I am going to see my dear friends, Linda, in Hereford, Texas. We are going to catch up, and I am also picking up a suitcase to use for my trip to Israel and Egypt in March. The excitement is building!

Things are easier in year two so far. Tears still flow easily but not as often. I am more comfortable with being alone now. The pain does get easier with time! There are and always will be so many things about Jerry I will miss forever--especially his hugs, kisses, and song. Wow--how quiet my house is now. I have tried to play music but there just is no substitute for that voice!

Psalm 91:1-2 - "It is good to praise the Lord and make music to your name, O Most High, proclaiming your love in the morning and your faithfulness at night." God continues to show me He will never leave me. Because of that, I must never stop singing His praises from morning until night. I am so thankful I don't have to sing as beautiful as Jerry did--just sing. Hearing my praises to God is as beautiful to Him as Jerry's singing was to me. Maybe the Spirit also takes my singing and makes it lovely to God as He does with the words of my feeble attempts at prayer! That would be awesome!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Warm clothes on such a cold day.
2. A beautiful worship service this morning.
3. The beauty of the song, Amazing Grace, My Chains are Gone. At the same time, the beauty of the memory of that song at Jerry's service and the tears that ALWAYS follow it.
4. Spending time with Kinsey, my granddaughter, at a coffee shop during second service this morning while we waited for Tim and Lynn.
5. The excitement of my trip to Israel and Egypt mounting.
6. The lovely visit coming up to see my good friend, Linda.
7. My wonderful editors to help make my book the best it can be.
8. My son-in-law, Tim to help "sell" me with my story from God.
9. Warm houses on cold days.
10. Praising God in the morning and evening because of His faithfulness!

Happy 2019--God Makes All Things New!

Sunday I reached the one-year anniversary of Jerry's death. It was a difficult day especially with church that morning as there are always reminders of Jerry in church on a normal Sunday. I had made the decision early in the year I would wear my wedding ring for the full year and then wear it occasionally with Jerry's on a chain. Here is the necklace I found which has a family tree and a charm saying, "love never fails," from I Corinthians 13.

Lynn sent me this thought-provoking quote from Facebook:

Hello, welcome to Flight #2019. We are prepared to take off into the New Year. Please make sure your Attitude and Blessings are secured and locked in an upright position. All self-destructive devices should be turned off at this time. All negativity, hurt and discouragement should be put away. Should we lose Altitude under pressure, during the flight, reach up and pull down a Prayer. Prayers will automatically be activated by Faith. Once your Faith is activated you can assist other passengers. There will be NO BAGGAGE allowed on this flight. The Captain (GOD) has cleared us for takeoff. Destination GREATNESS. Book your flight!!!️️  I have already purchased my ticket and I'm buckled in and ready for takeoff!

Isaiah 43:19 - "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland." As I start 2019, I am thankful the first year was finished with some great memories, good sharing of my testimony, and adjusting to the new me. This year was blessed already with Paul and Mara from Wisconsin coming to share the first anniversary with me. God has also put a widower in my life from my life group at church. We are able to share similar emotions in moving on from the death of our spouses. We have been spending time with each other for 2 weeks now giving us some special times of going places together, sharing our lives, and getting to know each other. Here is a picture of Paul, Mara, and Henry as we rode the new streetcars in downtown Oklahoma City on New Year's Eve day. That night, we enjoyed a party with some other of the life group. God is making a new thing! My future is in God's hands--as is yours!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Paul and Mara's safe flight back to Wisconsin.
2. The great support of family and friends through the holidays and first anniversary.
3. Being with the twins tonight after dinner.
4. Taking the twin's great grandmother out to dinner for her Christmas present with no twins around!
5. Continuing to have sweet memories of Jerry.
6. Having someone to spend time with and go out with.
7. A lovely weekend with Paul and Mara here and their support.
8. Having many at church remember the anniversary and hold me up.
9. Great fun at the New Year's Eve party.
10. God making new things in 2019.

A Song to Minister to You

My dear friend, Linda, sent me a song with tremendously meaningful words. Listen to the song and you will be blessed.

This is so much of what I went through during my 22 months. Now that I am a widow, it continues to help me. Tears flow so freely right now, and I would not stop any of them. The blessings of growing closer to God are priceless. Learning to accept trials as God's mercies is a change of thinking but an important one.

We had a Christmas dinner last night with our extended family before we leave today for Kansas City. Not being in this house on Christmas day is a big part of making it through Christmas #1. We are all looking forward to fun times in the Air B&B there and finding fun things to do. I pray your Christmas will also be good.

Job 2:10a - He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job had far greater problems than I ever thought of having and yet, this was his thinking. God gives good and trouble. However, in listening to the song above, the trouble is to help us make the good even better. We grow so much by being forced to draw close to God. Take a different perspective on the storms in your lives!

Today I am thankful for:

1. The season of Christmas even with the tearful memories this year.
2. Beautiful songs to help us look at our storms differently.
3. Family and friends.
4. Wonderful meal last night.
5. Taking off today for Kansas City and visiting Tim's brother on the way.
6. Having Kinsey in town for the holidays.
7. David's reaction to receiving some of his Papa's tools last night for Christmas.
8. God's unfailing love.
9. God knowing each tear of mine and caring so much.
10. God helping us grow closer to him through the painful times.

Merry Christmas to each of you!

Christmas is on its way

Yes, Christmas is coming. The Merry is optional! I have had several bouts of crying balanced with times out at concerts and with people. This time is especially full of memories with Jerry's death on top of Christmas. However, this will be the last of the first. I will be at one year without my sweetheart.

Click here for my Christmas digital Christmas card in case you haven't found it through Facebook or another source:

Writing by book has helped both in the grieving journey and in adding more tears to my days. I just finished editing the chapter telling about Jerry's death. I cried when I wrote it, when I did my editing on it, and now as my first editor sent it back to review her edits. My second editor will be doing the same as well as the third. I have been blessed by three editors who are coming to the book from different perspectives helping the book to be so much better. I haven't started the search for a publisher yet as need to get it in excellent shape first. The new year will be spent working on that.

The twins first birthday party was last Sunday here at the house. I will include a picture in the email to you as due to legal reasons with the foster program, we can't post pictures on any kind of social media. They have helped so much with my grieving with their precious smiles and cuddles.

As much as I don't enjoy all the crying, I am still so blessed to have had a marriage worth the tears! Jerry's voice is still something I can listen to through YouTube any time--what a blessing technology is! There will be tears the rest of my life for sure. It is such a joy to remember God knows every tear that rolls down my cheeks and stores them in a bottle. What a caring God we have.

Here is a picture from the OC Remembers Monday night. This is the college where we met, and they did a remembering of those who had died during the last year.

Psalm 94:19 - "In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul." What an awesome scripture on God taking care of our anxieties! God's comfort has been with me every day this year as I have gone through all the firsts. The first of everything will soon be over--not the memories associated with those events but the difficulty of the first. Notice the word, "delight" is used to describe the comfort of God. He has truly been that for me this year in so many ways. Yes, I have cried my eyes out, but then I will spend time with the precious twins and the delight comes back. I will be really down and then pick up David from school and delight in spending time with him. I will miss Jerry for some reason and then there will be a concert to go to for my delight to return. God is so awesome!

Today I am thankful for:

1. The Christmas season even with the painful memories.
2. Remembering Jerry in his Santa hat.
3. Remembering Jerry's smile and his amazing hugs.
4. The joy of giving.
5. David's concert last Saturday.
6. David now being a teenager as of last Sunday.
7. Having lunch with the twins today and getting my hugs.
8. Chocolate every morning--dark, of course.
9. My editors for my book.
10. God's comfort and the delight it brings to me.

Christmas spirit -- Hmm

Christmas is close and the closer it gets, the more the tears are flowing. So many memories surround this time of year. Jerry spent the month of December last year slipping away. I put him in Hospice on December 20 and he passed away December 30. Yes there are many wonderful memories of my sweet guy. At the same time, there is a huge hole in my heart where his smiles, hugs, kisses, and Santa impersonations is supposed to be.

This morning, I decided to at least have his Santa hat on him and took the picture below.

It is such a comfort to have Jerry in my bedroom where I can talk to him daily. I tell him good morning. Sometimes I fuss at him for leaving me here. Then there are times I tell him to enjoy sitting at the feet of Jesus as the world here sings about the birth. Here is a beautiful video about the birth of Jesus. You will be blessed to listen to it.

There are distractions for my days. This morning, I worked in the greenhouse for Master Gardeners. What a blessing to be able to dig in the dirt in the winter time! On the way down, I played gospel music and sang loudly. Tonight is my ladies class Christmas party which will include lots of laughter and fun. But there are lots of times when I am here at the house missing his presence. Tears of healing flow regularly but also joyful memories of such a wonderful man and marriage.

Luke 2:4-7: "4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them." There is great joy in the birth of our savior. No matter how my grieving makes me cry, there is so much joy in being a Christian.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Winter weather.
2. Getting to garden in the green house this morning.
3. Going to a Christmas party tonight.
4. Wonderful gospel music.
5. My warm house on a cold day.
6. Yummy food tonight.
7. The birth of our Lord.
8. The season of joy even if it is full of painful memories.
9. The memory of my sweetie playing Santa for all the kids.
10. Jesus leaving heaven to come sacrifice for me.

Holiday of Grief

 This came to me sitting in a coffee shop this morning with Kinsey:

Holiday of Grief

Cheer is everywhere as we enter December.

Stores play joyful Christmas music.

Neighborhood lights brighten the winter nights.

Santas await children in all the malls

To hear the wishes of their little hearts.

Gift suggestions bombard the shopper

Through Internet, newspaper, phones, and social media

To bring happiness to all their recipients.

Parties and concerts clutter our calendars

Filling our days with holiday activities.

But it is my first—another first.

I’ve had my first birthdays and Valentines,

My first Mother’s and Father’s Days,

The first vacation in an empty car.

My first Thanksgiving but now it comes.

Christmas alone—no need to hang his stocking.

Christmas caroling without my amazing bass.

No Santa hat waiting for my husband’s head.

No children in stores sidling up to my Santa

To be noticed by my loving husband.

The tears flow with so many reminders.

The tears won’t stop with the memories.

The tears are this year’s Christmas decor,

The tears of missing my sweet Santa.

The tears of my first Christmas holiday a widow.

The joy of the season is still found

In the same memories that make me cry,

But most of all in the birth of our Lord.

That joy surpasses all the grieving

And promises a reunion some day.

Christmas is all about family yes.

But when part of that family leaves

Whether by death, divorce, or other choices,

It leaves an empty hole in the Christmas heart.

A hole never to be filled again.

Yes, joy to the world the Lord has come!

Find the joy where the joy belongs.

Reach out to those hurting this season.

Cry with them, pray for them, hug them.

The joy is not in the present but in the eternal.

Remember the hurting and those alone,

Take your joy and soothe their hurting.

Send a card, take a gift, sing a carol, say a prayer.

Christmas may not be the most wonderful time of year,

To those it isn’t, share your Christmas spirit.

Luke 2:8-14 - "8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven,     and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

We all have a great deal to celebrate this holiday season. Yes, it is my first alone and tears flow freely and often. However, as I celebrate this season of remembering Jesus' birth, my sweet husband is singing at the feet of Jesus in heaven. I can be joyful for him and for my future with him. I praise God for the salvation it offers to everyone everywhere in all situations. 

I didn't decorate a lot this year, but the manger scene was a must!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Teaching ladies class this morning on 2 thankful women in the Bible.
2. Getting the ladies started on keeping a thankful journal.
3. An inspiring sermon about Eastern European Missions and the power of getting a Bible in the hands of people.
4. The power of the Gospel.
5. Lunch with good friends.
6. Having Kinsey to spend the morning and afternoon with today.
7. The holiday season to turn people to Jesus.
8. The sweet memories of Jerry.
9. The joys of Christmas and being able to share that with others.
10. The birth of our Lord Jesus to bring salvation to a needy world.

23rd Psalm for Caregivers

A friend in my Bible Study Fellowship group suggested I rewrite the 23rd Psalm for caregivers. Here is my attempt at that task:

The 23^rd Psalm for Caregivers

The Lord is my caregiver, I shall want for nothing.

He makes me lie down and take an afternoon nap,

He leads me besides a running stream.

He refreshes my inner strength.

He guides my decisions as I go through this life.

Even though there will be difficult, impossible situations,

I have no fear of the future because God is beside me.

The world cannot attack me because God’s Spirit is within me.

There are times when I must face those who make me uncomfortable,

However, your presence is always there to hold me up.

I am assured God’s goodness and love are constant companions.

They will be with me throughout this life and into the next,

Where I will live and praise God forever.

I will next rewrite it for grieving. It was a great idea and good practice in rethinking how God takes care of me from a caregiver role.

The twins I help take care of each week have been a great help in my grieving. They will turn 1 year old December 7 and are absolutely adorable! When I get to down in my tears, I drop by to love on them for awhile. When I leave, I feel so uplifted and encouraged. New life is always here to help sooth our grief over those who are no longer here. I will host their birthday party December 9. What fun!

Christmas cheer is just not here yet. I have put up minimal Christmas decorations. The stocking are a definite "no." Talk about a reminder who is no here this year! Maybe by next year, I can rehang the stockings less Jerry. For Christmas, I am going with Tim, Lynn, David, and Kinsey to Kansas City. We are renting an Air B&B in the area. Tim has a good friend there who we will spend Christmas Eve with. The rest of the time, we will do things in the area. We arrive on December 22 and drive back here December 26. My good friends, Paul and Mara from Wisconsin, will arrive December 27 and stay through the anniversary weekend of Jerry's death. They should be a big help to get me through this most difficult time. Here is my tree this year.

Keeping heaven in mind helps keep your life here on earth in line with God's perspective.

Isaiah 9:1a (NLT) - "Nevertheless, that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever." God always promises we will not stay in our state of deep grieving forever. It will pass and better times will come. The grieving is necessary and has actually been going on since the day of the stroke. I can still have great joy in Jerry's new body and new home, but there are just days when crying all day is good for my soul. I am so fortunate to have had a love worthy of crying all day!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Having the twins in my life to bring joy back to my days.
2. The season of Christmas when so many look to Jesus.
3. Having family to go away with to give this year something different.
4. Being down to my final editing of my book.
5. The blessings of being able to call God my father--how awesome is that?
6. The constant care God continues to give me day by day.
7. Prayer to be in contact with God throughout the day.
8. Wonderful sleep at night.
9. The memories--oh the memories!
10. The darkness of grieving will not last forever.

Tears and Joy for Thanksgiving

My first Thanksgiving without my husband. Wow--so many memories flood my thinking as I prepared this meal for family and friends. In keeping with the day, I want to share the many things I have to be thankful for today.

• Being married to a Christian man for over 50 years who loved his God, me and our family dearly.
• Progressing through the year with lots of tears but also lots of successes.
• Sharing my testimony 8 times this year at a variety of churches.
• Finishing the first draft of my book--now comes the editing!
• Having family local to come to our meal today.
• Having 4 wonderful international students from OU to join us and share their culture.
• Also having the precious 11-month old twins, Alaric and Tyler, their mother and great grandmother join us.
• One of our Iranian students becoming a Christian! Yeah!
• The smells of the turkey and dressing cooking.
• Getting some wonderful garden therapy this morning.
• The wonderful smells of the frozen herbs in my garden.
• The magic of a compost bin to take the dead plants and turn them into rich soil.
• Remembering taking Jerry last year to Tim and Lynn's for the meal.
• Remembering all the wonderful hugs and kisses I got from my sweetie.
• Having David stop by for awhile this afternoon (this is his dad's year to have him).
• Making my cornbread stuffing from my mother's Watkins cookbook she received in 1937 as a wedding gift.
• A comfortable house to host the meal.
• Beautiful weather today--63 degrees. We had the doors open this afternoon.
• God protecting me throughout my first 11 months as a widow.
• A good group of widows and widowers at church for support.
• Blessings beyond counting living in this free country.
• Freedom to worship as I want.

Psalm 95:2 - "Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song." We need to every day come to God with thanksgiving but especially today. I have be thankful in the midst of my sorrow because Jerry is at home, and I am safe and doing OK. Grieving is a healing process. Even though it hurts, it needs to. If I didn't feel pain in my grief, our love was not real. Grieving is the cost of love! I hope your day was blessed.

And the Tears Flow

The Changing Colors of Fall

Autumn is here showcasing the hues of color.

The trees are ready to shine in their glory.

Bringing a beauty to delight all those who see

The orange, yellow, and golden fading into brown.

Our forests build through the year in preparation

For their time of grandeur to again return.

The leaves glisten, sparkle in color for all to see.

The winds giving a rustling sound of fall.

Then they die and fall to the ground in mounds.

Children play in the dry, crackling heaps.

Gardeners rake, stack, mulch and compost

And all prepare for a season of seeming death.

Trees are bare, bushes naked—all their leaves gone.

Flowers have frozen—all the green has disappeared.

There is no life in nature—all is brown.

Winter is soon to come--a period of no growth.

But is this truly a time of death and no growth?

Is life over when the skeleton of limbs appears?

Why did God give us a season of death?

Everything looks so bleak, still and silent.

God is giving a time of rest and rejuvenation.

A time of silence when deep beneath the soil

Roots are soaking in nutrients in preparation

For a new season of growth in spring.

Our lives have seasons mimicking nature.

Seasons when we pull back from activity.

Times when we too need to rest and rejuvenate

Turning to God to refuel our souls.

The autumns of our lives leading us to winter

Are times of turning to God for nourishment.

Draw close to Him to soak up His love.

To be ready for the coming season of new growth.

The holiday season is bringing back so many memories which cause the tears to flow freely. The past few weeks, I have been writing every chance I get on my book. Yesterday, I completed rereading my CaringBridge journal which indicates the end of writing is very close.

It also meant I was reliving last fall when Jerry started his decline to his death. Especially reading again the 10 Hospice days brought back the days in the final hours with my sweetheart. I would read and try to type through the tears. Last Thanksgiving, he had already started the decline but we weren't as aware of it then as when we entered December. Entering Hospice December 20 and then spending the last 10 days in his bed will make this Christmas season very difficult indeed. 

For this Thanksgiving, I will focus on the many things I have to be thankful for in our 50 years marriage rather than the empty chair at the table. There will be 10 at my table with Tim, Lynn, David, 4 of the international students from OU, and the twins grandmother and mother who will bring the adorable twins. It should be a day of happiness with the precious new lives roaming around the house and being their adorable selves. 

Colossians 3:15 - "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Peace is such a wonderful serendipity of serving our Lord and Savior! We are called to peace--not to arguing or disagreements or even friendly fights. With family around this Thursday, this is particularly appropriate to ask for peace. And, of course, be thankful. There are SOOO many scriptures on being thankful. It is a great attitude to have every day of your life and not just on Thanksgiving.

Today I am thankful for:

1. Tears of my grief showing my great love for Jerry.
2. Cooking yummy food for Thursday.
3. Cool fall air and the changing of the seasons.
4. Getting so close to having my book complete.
5. My daughter, Lynn's vocal chords getting so much better.
6. Playing in the hand bell choir last week at the Moore High School choir concert.
7. My sister being in town last weekend for a short visit.
8. My friend, Linda, coming this weekend for a visit.
9. Christian friends surrounding me during this time of grief.
10. God giving me great peace and having so much to be thankful for on Thursday.

Jerry Still Within Me

It has been interesting to see how many ways I seem to be copying Jerry in my own personality since he left me 10 months ago. A simple one was his favorite coffee flavor: Highlander Grogg. I ordered it recently from my son-in-law, Tim, and found it is my new favorite as well. I really like the flavor but also feel a part of Jerry when I drink it.

My sweetie was such a people person--a true Mary where I have always been a Martha. I am trying to incorporate more of that Mary personality into mine. I am just a partial person without Jerry. When you marry someone, the two become one flesh and we enjoyed that for 50 years. I am not complete without him making me want to take on more of his personality.

Then there is my writing. Jerry loved to write and wrote all the time. He was an excellent writer, very creative with words. However, Jerry was a starter and not a finisher. I had never written much (other than newsletters, bulletins, and all my Ph.D. work) until CaringBridge came along. Writing every day proved to be so therapeutic for me. Now in writing my book, I am also finding great joy in the writing process. This has been a week for real focus on the writing of my 22 Months with Jerry, Living the Abundant Life Caregiving with God. I am into September in my journal as I am reading and writing our story. So far I have 17 chapters in the book. Here is a listing of the chapters:

1. The Day Our Lives Changed Forever
2. What Do I Do Now?
3. Training for My New Job During the Skilled Nursing Days
4. Home Alone with Home Health
5. The New Normal
6. The Climax of the 50th
7. Creating a Network of Support
8. Fighting for the One You Love--Put on Those Boxing Gloves
9. Finding a Sanctuary for Survival While Being a Captive in Your Own Home
10. Life on a Pirate Ship
11. Weakness Means Strength
12. Thank You for the Struggles
13. Caring for the Man Who is No Longer the Same
14. Planning for the End and Living Day-to-Day--The Practical Side
15. When the End Comes
16. My Favorite Devotionals from the 22 Months
17. My Personal Psalms

Jeremiah 30:2 - “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘Write in a book all the words I have spoken to you.'" God and I had a very close relationship during the 22 months I was a caregiver. No, I didn't receive a direct call from God like this one where He spoke to me audibly. However, I have received encouragement from several of my readers and feel passionate about sharing our story. I am laying it in God's hands to do whatever He wants done with the book. Of course, I would enjoy sharing my story not only though the book but also through speaking to tell our testimony. You have to have a test in order to have a testimony, and did I ever have a test!

Our first freeze came last night--about a week earlier than our average. The picture below is my Mexican Bush Sage, an annual which I cut in time to enjoy the blossoms a little longer. I am also trying to take a cutting and root it for next year. 

Today I am thankful for:

1. The changing of the seasons and cooler temps.
2. The garden going to sleep for the winter to return in its glory next spring.
3. Going to Panera by myself today and not crying until I was ready to leave--progress!
4. Great neighbors! Bert helped me get my small chest freezer out of my car and in its proper place in the garage.
5. Having such a wonderful story to tell about our 22 months together.
6. The reminders of God's greatness to us during those days.
7. The love we shared for so many years and was so special toward the end.
8. Facing Thanksgiving with thanks in my heart for my marriage.
9. A new kitchen/dining floor going in Monday.
10. The compelling drive I have to write my book telling God's story.