Tough time of year

It seems the grieving has picked up more and more in the last few weeks. It could be the upcoming anniversary next Monday--would be our 51st. It also could be another season of my grieving. I have learned I will have good times and deeply grieving times for a long time. Returning from Colorado, I hit a low spot emotionally. Things are still busy around here with a redo of my bathroom causing lots of people in and out of my house. And yet, I am lonely and the grieving is very real.

My GriefShare class last night was on not getting stuck in grief. Some people will get to a certain point in their grieving and for some reason get stuck there for weeks, months, or even years. I can still remember when we watched 6-year-old Heather get run over by a school bus on our street while my daughter, Lynn (her best friend) watched from about 10 feet away. The parents went to a grief class to deal with their pain. She said there were some parents who had lost children 20 or more years previously but had barely moved past that point in their lives.

My seasons go in and out. The triggers are a big part of it. Today, I put most of what was left of Jerry's clothes in the car to take to our church clothes pantry. Yes, I know others need them and Jerry doesn't with his new body in his eternal home. However, it was very painful to take them out of the closet and put them in the car. I know Jerry isn't coming back but everything that leaves the house of Jerry's is one more proof this is permanent!

Here is a quote from Reader's Digest by Steve Sims: "If something's going on in your life and you're struggling? Embrace it. Because you're growing." I guess my struggling was not over just because I am no longer a 24/7 caregiver. Struggling continues through the journey of grieving and that journey is a long one.

II Corinthians 4:16 - "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day." God is always there to remind me of the positive things. God's presence is always there and the Spirit is working within me to keep be going from day to day. So many days, I feel truly like I am wasting away physically and in truth, I am. We were never meant to live here much past the age I am currently.  And yet, with all my grieving, I am reminded of the temporary state of our lives here and our eternal life waiting for us. I grieve because I am alone but not because Jerry has gone home. He is in such a better place. My spirit as the scripture says, is renewed day by day to allow me the strength to keep plugging along!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Being able to bless others who need clothes with Jerry's.
2. Releasing 3 new Black Swallowtails today in my garden. (see video)
3. Watching the miracle of God's cycle of life right in my kitchen with my butterfly house.
4. Having the new pastor and family over for lunch today. He is moving to Onalaska, WI to work with the church where we worshiped for 17 years. He is moving from here!
5. His excitement about the ministry he is moving to there.
6. God always being here every day for my strength.
7. God answering my prayer for butterflies to be ready to be released for the 4 young boys who came to lunch today.
8. My bathroom project moving along well.
9. A wonderfully cool day--yes in Oklahoma!
10. My inward spirit being renewed day by day--how awesome is that? 

What to do with known triggers!

Last Wednesday, my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter asked me to go with them to the Wonder of Worship, a singing service held throughout the summer at Memorial Rd. Church of Christ. Normally, it is praise songs and is a very uplifting time of worship. This week's was to be old hymns.

During the 22 months with my sweet guy after his stroke, he loved to sing the hymns because he could remember them. Strokes wipe out recent memories which included the praise songs. However, Jerry could sing old hymns including several verses by memory in his lovely bass harmony. I pondered what to do because of the trigger I knew it would be. 

Jerry left me to sing with the angels 7 months ago now. Surely I could get back to singing hymns without too many tears! Life is out there and I need to be involved in living it rather than avoiding things. I was singing more in the car with gospel music and crying only occasionally so I decided to try the evening.

The songs were beautiful and brought back many memories of growing up. However, they also brought back memories of Jerry singing them during the stroke days. When the song leader started My God and I, the tears flowed freely. Lynn sang that one with her dad often. It became their song. And then they started singing songs about heaven--I was done! 

To the lobby I went to sit out the rest of the service. I am proud of myself for attempting it but also realize I am not ready for that just yet. Worship is often the toughest part of the week because of missing the PV Bass (pew vibrating bass) who is absent from my side. I know healing will still come and some day, I will be able to sing through a worship without tears of grieving.

Psalm 46:11 - "The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." Wherever I am in my grieving, my God is right there with me. I am never alone to cry without His knowing it. He has continued to provide the fortress I need to stay securely inside of throughout the tougher times. I read a quote this week: "What soap is to the body,  tears are for the soul." (Jewish proverb, Leo Rosten's Treasury of Jewish Quotations, 449) I am not going to try to stop the tears but know God is aware of every one that falls--that is a HUGE comfort to me.

"When a person doesn't have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity. A person can almost be defined by his or her attitude toward gratitude." ~~ Elie Wiesel 

Today I am thankful for:

1. Black swallowtail butterflies. The picture shows the second one out today.
2. My garden with its beauty.
3. The memories of Jerry's beautiful bass voice.
4. The wonderful old hymns even though they bring tears.
5. Breakfast out yesterday with a friend and my granddaughter.
6. A morning of cooking for Kinsey's birthday lunch tomorrow with family.
7. God has helped me get through 7 months of being a widow.
8. Technology to be able to share my thoughts with others.
9. Plans for visiting my younger daughter, Kara, in August.
10. God is with me every day! What a huge blessing.

What's It Like?

Someone posted this on Facebook. The thoughts are those I can relate to in my new journey.

It may be too small to easily read especially if you are reading this on your phone or tablet. I will expand on what it says. Yes, everything in my world changed the day Jerry went to his angel choir. Tonight I actually cooked an entire meal! Normally, I just grab something simple. Some meals, I will just steam some vegetables, eat some cheese and crackers, or have fruit. It is just no fun to cook for one. We were never TV watchers and certainly never ate with the TV even on much less in front of it. Now, I try to time when I eat with the afternoon/evening news. Watching it as I eat doesn't seem as lonely.

My circle of friends definitely changed. As a single and no longer a couple, people don't include you the way they used to do. I have friends I meet for lunch the same, but when it comes to doing things in the evening, it is a totally different ball game. I am still looking for people to do things with in the evenings. Jerry isn't around to go to dinner, the show, the theater, or even just to the park.

My job situation was non-existent when Jerry passed away because of the caregiving. With the marvelous testimony God gave me to share His providence in the 22 months, I don't feel as lost or helpless as some others might feel. The three talks I have given have been very well received.It gives me a tremendous sense of worth for God to be using me in this way.

The last part of this section I do not feel describes me as it might other new widows. Yes, it is hard, but I have my heavenly support team holding me up every day. I have never felt alone even when I am not with someone physically. My travels have been a wonderful way to get out and see people we hadn't been able to visit in years due to Jerry's arthritis before the stroke. God has blessed me in so many ways with excellent health, an independent streak to travel alone, and a purpose in sharing our testimony.

Psalm 121:5-8 - "The Lord watches over you--the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will keep you from all harm--he will watch over your life; the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." This scripture promises God's care to continue as a widow and even into eternity. My life is different for sure; however, my God is the same now and forevermore. I have nothing to fear as He promises to keep me from harm. Does that mean something terrible will never happen to me? No, I could have a car wreck on my next trip but the result would be a heavenly home reunited with Jerry. That doesn't sound so bad! As a Christian, we win whether we live or die to this life.

Today I am grateful for:

1. A little cooler temperatures--below 100!
2. An afternoon nap in Jerry's recliner.
3. Walking and talking this morning with Kelly Ann.
4. Seeing my first Monarch of the season in the garden today.
5. About 7 chrysalises now formed in my Black Swallowtail butterfly house! What fun.
6. Never feeling alone with God by my side.
7. Planning my September trip with lots of people to see.
8. A real dinner cooked with chicken and vegetables.
9. Getting my new laptop set up.
10. My Lord watching over my all the time protecting from harm.

Widowhood is not the life I chose but singing in the heavenly choir for Jerry is certainly great for him!

Long time, no hear (from me)!

My trip to Colorado was wonderful and very busy. It seemed there was little time to do much else than visit lots of people Jerry and I had known when we lived there 21 years ago. The two caregiving talks were very well received. There are several more churches I will speak at when I return probably next year.

The laptop I bought on the Black Friday sales almost 3 years ago has been making noises like it was giving up the ghost and was scaring me. My new one arrived yesterday and have been setting it up it seems ever since. There is so much to reestablish on a new machine--setting up all the accounts again, moving my security systems, reinstalling programs, etc., etc. Thankfully, I store everything in the cloud so nothing is lost--not if I can just get the sync to work well with Google Drive!

Enough of excuses for not writing a post! Next week will mark 7 months since my PVBass went to sing tenor and bass in the heavenly choir. You would think I would realize by now the permanence of his death. But as I was sitting in the living room this afternoon, I found myself saying, "He is really not coming back. His life is over here beside me." In a lot of ways, the last 7 months have been a blur of activity which has kept me in an unreal world not accepting the reality of what happened. I talk about him often, "Jerry did this, Jerry said that, we did this, we did that." Being a couple for 50 years is hard to break down to a single life.

God gave me an amazing verse this last week. Isaiah 26:12 - "Lord, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us." God never intended for us to have the chaotic world so many of us seem to live. My life has certainly been more chaotic since I lost my sweet patient. Getting back to normal life involves lots of activity when I long for the peace of my 22 months in caregiving. 

The last half of the verse is wonderful! Anything I have been able to do in sharing my testimony about Jerry has not been me but God doing it through me. When people will tell me after I speak how wonderful my thoughts were, I always try to remember to say something like, "God was truly amazing how He worked with us both through those 22 months." I always want to give the glory back to Him. It is hard to believe He wants to work through me and so grateful He does. His Holy Spirit helps me speak the testimony of God's providential care and helps me say it without too many tears.

Can I have true peace in grieving? Yes, I can because as a Christian I have a hope in heaven. I KNOW Jerry is at home with Jesus the King of Kings and sitting at the throne of God with the Holy Spirit living around him--no longer needed inside him for strength. I have complete peace he is happy and settled in heaven.

Can I have true peace in grieving in my life without him here? Yes, not only do I have the hope of his being in heaven, I have the peace God gives me every night when I get into bed and fall asleep easily. I have the peace I am not alone but have my heavenly support surrounding me every day. I have the peace God will help me make the right decisions in my life left here. I have true peace and am eternally grateful for it!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Air conditioning on a 107 degree day in Oklahoma!

2. Working in my garden briefly before it got to terribly hot this morning.

3. Workmen creating my new handicapped accessible shower just in case!

4. My new laptop and my ability to set it up.

5. The many friendships I reconnected with in Colorado and those Rocky Mountains--wow!

6. David having a nice visit in Japan and now safely arriving in the Philippines until mid August.

7. My sister is still at home and gaining strength.

8. The precious twin boys I help with on Thursday nights--they are SO adorable!

9. The peace I have from my God.

10. God accomplishing things through me. 

I found this plaque in a cute little shop in Ft. Collins, CO.

A Psalm of Grief

The visit in Colorado has been wonderful so far. I gave my first caregiving talk in Broomfield Thursday morning. My friend, Amanda, who hosted me and set me up to talk at her church had 3 people this morning tell her my talk was "so relevant, enlightening, and what we need to hear." My next one is tonight at 6:30 at the church we attended when we lived in Ft. Collins.

While I was sitting in a coffee shop Thursday killing time because it was raining and I couldn't walk where I had planned to, I sat and wrote a Psalm. I plan to write others.

Psalm - Alone!

A prayer of Lois - Widow

Alone! I find myself alone!

God himself said, "It is not good for man to be alone."

And yet, I find myself alone--a woman no longer with my man.

He is not alone but walking the golden streets in God's presence.

He has ended his life on earth, his life after a stroke.

He wanted to stay with me but wanted to go home too.

I rejoice in his new life, his new body, his new home.
I rejoice this life of struggles, pain, heartache is not all there is.

I rejoice his death was "precious in God's sight."

And yet, I am alone!

My life is starting over alone.

I am traveling to see old friends--alone!

But you, O God are here to keep me from being alone.

You are beside me every day as I carry on in my new life.

You make me secure as I lie down at night and rest.

I praise you, O God, for caring that I am alone.

I praise you, O God, for knowing every tear I shed.

I praise you, O God, for meeting my every need.

I praise you, O Jesus, for shedding your blood for me.

I praise you, O Jesus, for being my friend when alone.

I praise you, O Jesus, for walking beside me every day.

I praise you, O Spirit, for indwelling me day to day.

I praise you, O Spirit, for the strength to keep going.

I praise you, O Spirit, for guiding my words as I speak.

Yes, I am not alone!

My God, my Jesus, and my Spirit walk with me daily!

My husband is gone but I am never alone.

Psalm 121:1-3

"I will lift up my eyes unto the hills, whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber." The mountains so remind me of God's magnificence, strength, and  care for me. This is the view from the home where I am staying in Timnath, Colorado. I cannot imagine life without God on my side, holding my hand, giving me strength day to day, and keeping me from being alone.

Today I am thankful for:

1. Worshiping with old friends.

2. The opportunity to share my testimony again tonight.

3. The beautiful mountains of Colorado.

4. Old friends to reconnect with here and gain strength from as well as give strength.

5. Lunch with good friends, Vannah and Marvin.

6. Being in a country home with 30 chickens running around.

7. Coffee on the deck this morning taking in the scenery.

8. God giving me safety on the trip.

9. Good sleep when I am traveling.

10. The hills (mountains) where my help comes from here.

I have seen the Lord!

Today's sermon was excellent! Our minister talked about sharing our faith with others and that it is lack of courage keeping us from doing so. He finished with the story of Jesus' resurrection. When Mary Magdalene went to the tomb, rather than finding a body, she saw her Lord. She immediately went to the disciples to share the news saying, "I have seen the Lord." (John 20:18) Our minister was encouraging us to share with others the times we have seen Jesus and been with him.

I thought about that and realized the closest contact and relationship I have had in my 72 years was my 22 months as a caregiver for my husband. Telling people how God took care of me during that time has been so easy. My heavenly team was totally amazing giving me strength each day, answering my prayers and the prayers of many who were supporting me, and helping me get through the last few days when Jerry was in hospice. God gave us special time together in the midst of lots of family and friends here to also support me. He let me hold Jerry's hand through the end as he moved on to heaven.

Yesterday an Edward Jones salesman found me when I was in the garage cleaning out my car for my trip tomorrow. As we visited about my Edward Jones financial planner in Minnesota, our move here, and my husband's stroke and eventual death, I found myself telling this young man I had just met how marvelous God was through that time. I have a story to tell about God's providence to anyone who will listen. I have seen the Lord!

Today I am grateful for:
1. Worshiping with other Christians this morning.
2. Connecting with a new friend at church--we have much in common.
3. Going to lunch with her to a new (for me) restaurant--La Madeleine in Norman for great French food.
4. Packing for my trip tomorrow.
5. The opportunity I will have in Colorado to tell my story!
6. Sweet memories of my husband.
7. Wonderful rain last night to keep my garden from getting so dry while I am gone (and giving my friend, Kelly Ann fewer times to come water.
8. The absolute beauty in my garden.
9. Studying James this morning in class.
10. God's constant presence with me in the grieving process.