Remembering

As I sat in worship and took of the emblems of communion, it brought to mind the purpose of communion--to remember. On a recent Sunday, here are the words that came to mind.

Communion

The simple wafer is taken from the tray.

As I put it in my mouth, my mind is focused.

The symbol of Christ’s broken body in my body.

Reminding me of the excruciating pain he endured.

The juice in its little cup comes next.

Blood was shed as Christ’s body was pierced.

The liquid flows down my throat to remind me

Of the precious blood that flowed just for me.

Remembering is what communion initiates.

Reminding me of the salvation that’s mine.

Rejoicing for the sacrificial lamb’s death.

Rededicating my life back in service to God.

         ~ ~  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  ~  ~ ~

We need the weekly reminder to keep the sacrifice in our minds to never forget the immense love indicated by Christ's death. As humans, we need the reminder to help us take our minds off the busyness of this life.

However, with Jerry, I need no reminder to remember him. I still wear my wedding ring. It is so much a part of me after 50 years. Everything in the house reminds me of him. I am sitting in his office at his desk as I write this. The memories are always there--the reminders are everywhere.

So why do we so easily forget about the sacrifice of our Savior? Is our love not strong enough? Do we get over involved in the day-to-day activities? Is our worship of Jesus not embedded into all we do? Remembering His death should be as automatic as remembering my husband.

Maybe I need to add to my morning quiet time how important it is to thank Him for that sacrifice, to tell Him how much I love Him for it; and to commune with Him more than just on Sunday morning. 

Here is the definition of communion:

1. the sharing or exchanging of intimate thoughts and feelings, especially when the exchange is on a mental or spiritual level.

1. 2.

   the service of Christian worship at which bread and wine are consecrated and shared.

Yes, there is a Christian definition but I like the other definition of sharing and exchanging intimate thoughts and feelings on a mental or spiritual level. That is exactly what our Lord wants us to do--share with Him all our thoughts on a daily basis!

I Corinthians 11:23-25 - For I received from the Lord what I also delivered to you, that the Lord Jesus on the night when he was betrayed took bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it, and said, “This is my body, which is for you. Do this in remembrance of me.” In the same way also he took the cup, after supper, saying, “This cup is the new covenant in my blood. Do this, as often as you drink it, in remembrance of me.” This verse doesn't say we can only take communion on Sunday during worship but says, as often as! We need to be purposeful in making our communion with our Lord daily just as my remembrance of Jerry is daily!

Today I am thankful for:

1. My sister-in-law, Shirley, arriving today for a 2-week visit.
2. Heading to Searcy, AR tomorrow to see a friend of hers and hopefully to see some fall colors.
3. Praying with ladies last night at the prayer session.
4. Our church wanting to reach out to the community with the gospel.
5. Good sleep with the cool nights.
6. Hand bell practice today--what fun!
7. Family.
8. Being a part of God's family.
9. Great memories of Jerry.
10. The memory of Christ's death for us through our communion with Him.

Missing My Other Half!

Southern hospitality was real where I grew up. Our house in Dallas was the center of activity for all kinds of events from wedding receptions, to showers, to rehearsal dinners, to roller skating parties (yes in the driveway when we had the metal skates), to dinners for everyone who came through town. I didn't know there was any other way to be but hospitable. When Jerry and I got married, we immediately started having people over for dinner. He adapted to it well, and we entertained our entire marriage.

As I said in my Celebration of Life talk for Jerry, we were the Mary and Martha couple.  Jerry never met someone he didn't love. He was drawn to people and they to him. He would meet all sorts of people at church, the store, or just wherever and start loving them. We had company over at the house regularly. I was the Martha. I planned, cooked, served, organized the conversation, and put everything away when it was over. We made a complete couple--for 50 years!

Now I still entertain mostly because I have Tim and Lynn here and that makes it easy to invite others over for dinner. We have also gotten involved with the Friends to International Students Association on the OU campus. I have just gotten paired with 3 female students from Korea. Two were able to come to dinner tonight to join with Milad and Arman from Iran. Today was Arman's birthday so we celebrated with a meal and cake and ice cream. Here is a picture of our table guests.

Here is the difficult part. I am just not complete without my Jerry. I love having people over but want my host husband here with me. I want to be able to talk with him after they leave about the people, share warmth with him, and sit on the love seat in exhaustion with him to rest! There isn't a day where I don't miss Jerry--A LOT!

Ephesians 1:11 (NLT) - "Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan." God does make everything work out according to His plan. I don't understand His plan as His thoughts are higher than mine. (Isaiah 55:) I do know people still need to be loved and feel that in this world. These precious souls from Iran have become our family. They are here permanently. I don't know what all God has planned for me, but I know He has it all figured out. I just have to let Him lead and follow. He knows my heart aches for Jerry, and He comforts me.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Attending a composting class this morning to make my composting better!
2. A rainy day but it finally quit.
3. Wonderful fall weather.
4. Cooking wonderful Mexican pile up for dinner tonight.
5. Learning about the Iranian and Korean cultures from our guests tonight.
6. Meeting new friends.
7. Reconnecting with friends from LONG ago.
8. God's beauty still in my garden.
9. The sweet memories of Jerry every day.
10. God making everything work out according to his plan.

I Don't Fit!

It seems I am doing everything right in my grieving process. I am not hiding at home but getting out with lots of people. I am involved in church, teaching a Sunday morning class, running the computer for worship every 6 weeks, singing on praise team monthly, run the video camera for Sunday worship monthly, attend Monday night ladies prayer group, am in a life group on Sunday nights, still involved in Master Gardeners, and attend Bible Study Fellowship.

And yet, so many places I got, I feel so out of place. I need my husband! He is what made me complete. He is the one I could cuddle up to during church, hold his hand during prayers, cuddle with on the love seat to watch a movie, go out to dinner and to the theater. Now I don't fit as a single. It is truly a couples world! I am around people enough not to feel a loneliness throughout the day but there is an emptiness where Jerry fit so beautifully. I miss him!

I will have a house full this weekend so that will help. We are having a dinner with 3 people from church, Tim, Lynn, David, Kelly Ann, and 5 OU students. Two of our Iranian students are coming to celebrate the birthday of one, Lynn has a student from Tiawan, and I have 2 from Korea. There is an association on the OU campus to match families with students so we signed up. It will be great fun! And yet, Jerry would have loved the meet them all!

Tonight was my baby night to spend with the twin boys. They are 10 months old and will be taking off walking soon and are SO adorable! The great grandmother who is fostering them now for 6 months turned 76 this week. Please pray for her strength. She is so ready to do something else. Jerry would have adored helping out with them!

II Samuel 22:21-25 (MSG) - "God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him. When I cleaned up my act, he gave me a fresh start. Indeed I've kept alert to God's ways; I haven't taken God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works, I try not to miss a trick, I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step. God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes." What an awesome scripture! Amazing! All I need to do is give the single pieces of my life to God, and He gives me a fresh start. I realize it is a process and won't happen overnight. I have been a widow for 10 months now, but it hasn't gotten any easier. Yes, it is bearable but more and more I miss things about being married to my sweet guy. God will take the pieces and rewrite my life!

.

Today I am thankful for:

1. A beautiful fall day.

2. Practicing with the hand-bell choir today!

3. My sister-in-law coming in next week from California.

4. Rain to keep the land watered.

5. The ability to get out and see people.

6. A lovely time with the twins tonight.

7. Getting to go to the great grandmother's birthday dinner tomorrow night.

8. God's love every day.

9. The blessing of a church.

10. God taking all the pieces of my life and working to give me a new life.

Sacred Tears

Here is a quote I found during the caregiving days:

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messenger of overwhelming grief, of deep contrition, and of unspeakable love." Washington Irving

That says a lot. May our society completely get past the notion that men and boys don't cry and let the experience the healing that can come through the tears. It shows love and not just sadness. It is a way of releasing emotions of healing.

Yesterday I attended the funeral of one of the elders at the church we used to attend. His wife lost her 7-year battle with cancer last week. I feel an immediate bond with someone who loses a spouse, but it is difficult to attend those funerals. I attended visitation and his comment to me was, "I thought I was ready after 7 years." Nope, I was ready with all the arrangements to be made, ready to take over the household maintenance, ready to maintain the garden, but never ready to say that final goodbye!

This week has been one of lots of writing on my book. Because of that, it has also been a week of many tears. Rereading my journal, reliving the days of the stroke, remembering the struggles and the good times with my husband make me shed lots of tears. It is also a healing time to be able to attempt to put those memories in the book and take from them what I learned to move forward with my life.

Judges 4 tells the story of Deborah, the female judge. In verse 14, it says, "Then Deborah said to Barak, “Go! This is the day the Lord has given Sisera into your hands. Has not the Lord gone ahead of you?” So Barak went down Mount Tabor, with ten thousand men following him." I love the way Deborah encouraged Barak to go to battle. She told Barak God had already gotten to the battle and prepared the way for you to go and take the victory. 

God is now going before me in my grieving preparing the way, allowing for tears to flow when needed, and giving me lot of opportunities to share with others. Helping others helps me through the process. The new widower and I were sharing about the stages of grief. Many actually don't hold to that theory any longer. But he said, having stages would mean you would get through all the stages and then be done with the process. There is no end to grieving process--it will go through stages but it is permanent.

Today I am thankful for:

1. Beautiful cool fall weather today.
2. My neighbor with 2 heart stents put in Wednesday home today and feeling good.
3. A good walk this morning with Kelly Ann.
4. Lynn having a successful choir retreat the last 2 days.
5. Sweet time on Thursday with the 10-month old twin boys I help with.
6. Getting several of Jerry's drawings framed and now ready to hang. I included one below. 
7. Wonderful progress this week on my book.
8. Precious memories of Jerry.
9. Tears of strength this week.
10. God going before me to prepare the way before I arrive.