A Song to Minister to You

My dear friend, Linda, sent me a song with tremendously meaningful words. Listen to the song and you will be blessed.

This is so much of what I went through during my 22 months. Now that I am a widow, it continues to help me. Tears flow so freely right now, and I would not stop any of them. The blessings of growing closer to God are priceless. Learning to accept trials as God's mercies is a change of thinking but an important one.

We had a Christmas dinner last night with our extended family before we leave today for Kansas City. Not being in this house on Christmas day is a big part of making it through Christmas #1. We are all looking forward to fun times in the Air B&B there and finding fun things to do. I pray your Christmas will also be good.

Job 2:10a - He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job had far greater problems than I ever thought of having and yet, this was his thinking. God gives good and trouble. However, in listening to the song above, the trouble is to help us make the good even better. We grow so much by being forced to draw close to God. Take a different perspective on the storms in your lives!

Today I am thankful for:

1. The season of Christmas even with the tearful memories this year.
2. Beautiful songs to help us look at our storms differently.
3. Family and friends.
4. Wonderful meal last night.
5. Taking off today for Kansas City and visiting Tim's brother on the way.
6. Having Kinsey in town for the holidays.
7. David's reaction to receiving some of his Papa's tools last night for Christmas.
8. God's unfailing love.
9. God knowing each tear of mine and caring so much.
10. God helping us grow closer to him through the painful times.

Merry Christmas to each of you!

Christmas is on its way

Yes, Christmas is coming. The Merry is optional! I have had several bouts of crying balanced with times out at concerts and with people. This time is especially full of memories with Jerry's death on top of Christmas. However, this will be the last of the first. I will be at one year without my sweetheart.

Click here for my Christmas digital Christmas card in case you haven't found it through Facebook or another source:

Writing by book has helped both in the grieving journey and in adding more tears to my days. I just finished editing the chapter telling about Jerry's death. I cried when I wrote it, when I did my editing on it, and now as my first editor sent it back to review her edits. My second editor will be doing the same as well as the third. I have been blessed by three editors who are coming to the book from different perspectives helping the book to be so much better. I haven't started the search for a publisher yet as need to get it in excellent shape first. The new year will be spent working on that.

The twins first birthday party was last Sunday here at the house. I will include a picture in the email to you as due to legal reasons with the foster program, we can't post pictures on any kind of social media. They have helped so much with my grieving with their precious smiles and cuddles.

As much as I don't enjoy all the crying, I am still so blessed to have had a marriage worth the tears! Jerry's voice is still something I can listen to through YouTube any time--what a blessing technology is! There will be tears the rest of my life for sure. It is such a joy to remember God knows every tear that rolls down my cheeks and stores them in a bottle. What a caring God we have.

Here is a picture from the OC Remembers Monday night. This is the college where we met, and they did a remembering of those who had died during the last year.

Psalm 94:19 - "In the multitude of my anxieties within me, your comforts delight my soul." What an awesome scripture on God taking care of our anxieties! God's comfort has been with me every day this year as I have gone through all the firsts. The first of everything will soon be over--not the memories associated with those events but the difficulty of the first. Notice the word, "delight" is used to describe the comfort of God. He has truly been that for me this year in so many ways. Yes, I have cried my eyes out, but then I will spend time with the precious twins and the delight comes back. I will be really down and then pick up David from school and delight in spending time with him. I will miss Jerry for some reason and then there will be a concert to go to for my delight to return. God is so awesome!

Today I am thankful for:

1. The Christmas season even with the painful memories.
2. Remembering Jerry in his Santa hat.
3. Remembering Jerry's smile and his amazing hugs.
4. The joy of giving.
5. David's concert last Saturday.
6. David now being a teenager as of last Sunday.
7. Having lunch with the twins today and getting my hugs.
8. Chocolate every morning--dark, of course.
9. My editors for my book.
10. God's comfort and the delight it brings to me.

Christmas spirit -- Hmm

Christmas is close and the closer it gets, the more the tears are flowing. So many memories surround this time of year. Jerry spent the month of December last year slipping away. I put him in Hospice on December 20 and he passed away December 30. Yes there are many wonderful memories of my sweet guy. At the same time, there is a huge hole in my heart where his smiles, hugs, kisses, and Santa impersonations is supposed to be.

This morning, I decided to at least have his Santa hat on him and took the picture below.

It is such a comfort to have Jerry in my bedroom where I can talk to him daily. I tell him good morning. Sometimes I fuss at him for leaving me here. Then there are times I tell him to enjoy sitting at the feet of Jesus as the world here sings about the birth. Here is a beautiful video about the birth of Jesus. You will be blessed to listen to it.

There are distractions for my days. This morning, I worked in the greenhouse for Master Gardeners. What a blessing to be able to dig in the dirt in the winter time! On the way down, I played gospel music and sang loudly. Tonight is my ladies class Christmas party which will include lots of laughter and fun. But there are lots of times when I am here at the house missing his presence. Tears of healing flow regularly but also joyful memories of such a wonderful man and marriage.

Luke 2:4-7: "4 So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5 He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6 While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them." There is great joy in the birth of our savior. No matter how my grieving makes me cry, there is so much joy in being a Christian.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Winter weather.
2. Getting to garden in the green house this morning.
3. Going to a Christmas party tonight.
4. Wonderful gospel music.
5. My warm house on a cold day.
6. Yummy food tonight.
7. The birth of our Lord.
8. The season of joy even if it is full of painful memories.
9. The memory of my sweetie playing Santa for all the kids.
10. Jesus leaving heaven to come sacrifice for me.

Holiday of Grief

 This came to me sitting in a coffee shop this morning with Kinsey:

Holiday of Grief

Cheer is everywhere as we enter December.

Stores play joyful Christmas music.

Neighborhood lights brighten the winter nights.

Santas await children in all the malls

To hear the wishes of their little hearts.

Gift suggestions bombard the shopper

Through Internet, newspaper, phones, and social media

To bring happiness to all their recipients.

Parties and concerts clutter our calendars

Filling our days with holiday activities.

But it is my first—another first.

I’ve had my first birthdays and Valentines,

My first Mother’s and Father’s Days,

The first vacation in an empty car.

My first Thanksgiving but now it comes.

Christmas alone—no need to hang his stocking.

Christmas caroling without my amazing bass.

No Santa hat waiting for my husband’s head.

No children in stores sidling up to my Santa

To be noticed by my loving husband.

The tears flow with so many reminders.

The tears won’t stop with the memories.

The tears are this year’s Christmas decor,

The tears of missing my sweet Santa.

The tears of my first Christmas holiday a widow.

The joy of the season is still found

In the same memories that make me cry,

But most of all in the birth of our Lord.

That joy surpasses all the grieving

And promises a reunion some day.

Christmas is all about family yes.

But when part of that family leaves

Whether by death, divorce, or other choices,

It leaves an empty hole in the Christmas heart.

A hole never to be filled again.

Yes, joy to the world the Lord has come!

Find the joy where the joy belongs.

Reach out to those hurting this season.

Cry with them, pray for them, hug them.

The joy is not in the present but in the eternal.

Remember the hurting and those alone,

Take your joy and soothe their hurting.

Send a card, take a gift, sing a carol, say a prayer.

Christmas may not be the most wonderful time of year,

To those it isn’t, share your Christmas spirit.

Luke 2:8-14 - "8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. 11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” 13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven,     and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”

We all have a great deal to celebrate this holiday season. Yes, it is my first alone and tears flow freely and often. However, as I celebrate this season of remembering Jesus' birth, my sweet husband is singing at the feet of Jesus in heaven. I can be joyful for him and for my future with him. I praise God for the salvation it offers to everyone everywhere in all situations. 

I didn't decorate a lot this year, but the manger scene was a must!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Teaching ladies class this morning on 2 thankful women in the Bible.
2. Getting the ladies started on keeping a thankful journal.
3. An inspiring sermon about Eastern European Missions and the power of getting a Bible in the hands of people.
4. The power of the Gospel.
5. Lunch with good friends.
6. Having Kinsey to spend the morning and afternoon with today.
7. The holiday season to turn people to Jesus.
8. The sweet memories of Jerry.
9. The joys of Christmas and being able to share that with others.
10. The birth of our Lord Jesus to bring salvation to a needy world.

23rd Psalm for Caregivers

A friend in my Bible Study Fellowship group suggested I rewrite the 23rd Psalm for caregivers. Here is my attempt at that task:

The 23^rd Psalm for Caregivers

The Lord is my caregiver, I shall want for nothing.

He makes me lie down and take an afternoon nap,

He leads me besides a running stream.

He refreshes my inner strength.

He guides my decisions as I go through this life.

Even though there will be difficult, impossible situations,

I have no fear of the future because God is beside me.

The world cannot attack me because God’s Spirit is within me.

There are times when I must face those who make me uncomfortable,

However, your presence is always there to hold me up.

I am assured God’s goodness and love are constant companions.

They will be with me throughout this life and into the next,

Where I will live and praise God forever.

I will next rewrite it for grieving. It was a great idea and good practice in rethinking how God takes care of me from a caregiver role.

The twins I help take care of each week have been a great help in my grieving. They will turn 1 year old December 7 and are absolutely adorable! When I get to down in my tears, I drop by to love on them for awhile. When I leave, I feel so uplifted and encouraged. New life is always here to help sooth our grief over those who are no longer here. I will host their birthday party December 9. What fun!

Christmas cheer is just not here yet. I have put up minimal Christmas decorations. The stocking are a definite "no." Talk about a reminder who is no here this year! Maybe by next year, I can rehang the stockings less Jerry. For Christmas, I am going with Tim, Lynn, David, and Kinsey to Kansas City. We are renting an Air B&B in the area. Tim has a good friend there who we will spend Christmas Eve with. The rest of the time, we will do things in the area. We arrive on December 22 and drive back here December 26. My good friends, Paul and Mara from Wisconsin, will arrive December 27 and stay through the anniversary weekend of Jerry's death. They should be a big help to get me through this most difficult time. Here is my tree this year.

Keeping heaven in mind helps keep your life here on earth in line with God's perspective.

Isaiah 9:1a (NLT) - "Nevertheless, that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever." God always promises we will not stay in our state of deep grieving forever. It will pass and better times will come. The grieving is necessary and has actually been going on since the day of the stroke. I can still have great joy in Jerry's new body and new home, but there are just days when crying all day is good for my soul. I am so fortunate to have had a love worthy of crying all day!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Having the twins in my life to bring joy back to my days.
2. The season of Christmas when so many look to Jesus.
3. Having family to go away with to give this year something different.
4. Being down to my final editing of my book.
5. The blessings of being able to call God my father--how awesome is that?
6. The constant care God continues to give me day by day.
7. Prayer to be in contact with God throughout the day.
8. Wonderful sleep at night.
9. The memories--oh the memories!
10. The darkness of grieving will not last forever.

Tears and Joy for Thanksgiving

My first Thanksgiving without my husband. Wow--so many memories flood my thinking as I prepared this meal for family and friends. In keeping with the day, I want to share the many things I have to be thankful for today.

• Being married to a Christian man for over 50 years who loved his God, me and our family dearly.
• Progressing through the year with lots of tears but also lots of successes.
• Sharing my testimony 8 times this year at a variety of churches.
• Finishing the first draft of my book--now comes the editing!
• Having family local to come to our meal today.
• Having 4 wonderful international students from OU to join us and share their culture.
• Also having the precious 11-month old twins, Alaric and Tyler, their mother and great grandmother join us.
• One of our Iranian students becoming a Christian! Yeah!
• The smells of the turkey and dressing cooking.
• Getting some wonderful garden therapy this morning.
• The wonderful smells of the frozen herbs in my garden.
• The magic of a compost bin to take the dead plants and turn them into rich soil.
• Remembering taking Jerry last year to Tim and Lynn's for the meal.
• Remembering all the wonderful hugs and kisses I got from my sweetie.
• Having David stop by for awhile this afternoon (this is his dad's year to have him).
• Making my cornbread stuffing from my mother's Watkins cookbook she received in 1937 as a wedding gift.
• A comfortable house to host the meal.
• Beautiful weather today--63 degrees. We had the doors open this afternoon.
• God protecting me throughout my first 11 months as a widow.
• A good group of widows and widowers at church for support.
• Blessings beyond counting living in this free country.
• Freedom to worship as I want.

Psalm 95:2 - "Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song." We need to every day come to God with thanksgiving but especially today. I have be thankful in the midst of my sorrow because Jerry is at home, and I am safe and doing OK. Grieving is a healing process. Even though it hurts, it needs to. If I didn't feel pain in my grief, our love was not real. Grieving is the cost of love! I hope your day was blessed.

And the Tears Flow

The Changing Colors of Fall

Autumn is here showcasing the hues of color.

The trees are ready to shine in their glory.

Bringing a beauty to delight all those who see

The orange, yellow, and golden fading into brown.

Our forests build through the year in preparation

For their time of grandeur to again return.

The leaves glisten, sparkle in color for all to see.

The winds giving a rustling sound of fall.

Then they die and fall to the ground in mounds.

Children play in the dry, crackling heaps.

Gardeners rake, stack, mulch and compost

And all prepare for a season of seeming death.

Trees are bare, bushes naked—all their leaves gone.

Flowers have frozen—all the green has disappeared.

There is no life in nature—all is brown.

Winter is soon to come--a period of no growth.

But is this truly a time of death and no growth?

Is life over when the skeleton of limbs appears?

Why did God give us a season of death?

Everything looks so bleak, still and silent.

God is giving a time of rest and rejuvenation.

A time of silence when deep beneath the soil

Roots are soaking in nutrients in preparation

For a new season of growth in spring.

Our lives have seasons mimicking nature.

Seasons when we pull back from activity.

Times when we too need to rest and rejuvenate

Turning to God to refuel our souls.

The autumns of our lives leading us to winter

Are times of turning to God for nourishment.

Draw close to Him to soak up His love.

To be ready for the coming season of new growth.

The holiday season is bringing back so many memories which cause the tears to flow freely. The past few weeks, I have been writing every chance I get on my book. Yesterday, I completed rereading my CaringBridge journal which indicates the end of writing is very close.

It also meant I was reliving last fall when Jerry started his decline to his death. Especially reading again the 10 Hospice days brought back the days in the final hours with my sweetheart. I would read and try to type through the tears. Last Thanksgiving, he had already started the decline but we weren't as aware of it then as when we entered December. Entering Hospice December 20 and then spending the last 10 days in his bed will make this Christmas season very difficult indeed. 

For this Thanksgiving, I will focus on the many things I have to be thankful for in our 50 years marriage rather than the empty chair at the table. There will be 10 at my table with Tim, Lynn, David, 4 of the international students from OU, and the twins grandmother and mother who will bring the adorable twins. It should be a day of happiness with the precious new lives roaming around the house and being their adorable selves. 

Colossians 3:15 - "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Peace is such a wonderful serendipity of serving our Lord and Savior! We are called to peace--not to arguing or disagreements or even friendly fights. With family around this Thursday, this is particularly appropriate to ask for peace. And, of course, be thankful. There are SOOO many scriptures on being thankful. It is a great attitude to have every day of your life and not just on Thanksgiving.

Today I am thankful for:

1. Tears of my grief showing my great love for Jerry.
2. Cooking yummy food for Thursday.
3. Cool fall air and the changing of the seasons.
4. Getting so close to having my book complete.
5. My daughter, Lynn's vocal chords getting so much better.
6. Playing in the hand bell choir last week at the Moore High School choir concert.
7. My sister being in town last weekend for a short visit.
8. My friend, Linda, coming this weekend for a visit.
9. Christian friends surrounding me during this time of grief.
10. God giving me great peace and having so much to be thankful for on Thursday.