23rd Psalm for Caregivers

A friend in my Bible Study Fellowship group suggested I rewrite the 23rd Psalm for caregivers. Here is my attempt at that task:

The 23^rd Psalm for Caregivers

The Lord is my caregiver, I shall want for nothing.

He makes me lie down and take an afternoon nap,

He leads me besides a running stream.

He refreshes my inner strength.

He guides my decisions as I go through this life.

Even though there will be difficult, impossible situations,

I have no fear of the future because God is beside me.

The world cannot attack me because God’s Spirit is within me.

There are times when I must face those who make me uncomfortable,

However, your presence is always there to hold me up.

I am assured God’s goodness and love are constant companions.

They will be with me throughout this life and into the next,

Where I will live and praise God forever.

I will next rewrite it for grieving. It was a great idea and good practice in rethinking how God takes care of me from a caregiver role.

The twins I help take care of each week have been a great help in my grieving. They will turn 1 year old December 7 and are absolutely adorable! When I get to down in my tears, I drop by to love on them for awhile. When I leave, I feel so uplifted and encouraged. New life is always here to help sooth our grief over those who are no longer here. I will host their birthday party December 9. What fun!

Christmas cheer is just not here yet. I have put up minimal Christmas decorations. The stocking are a definite "no." Talk about a reminder who is no here this year! Maybe by next year, I can rehang the stockings less Jerry. For Christmas, I am going with Tim, Lynn, David, and Kinsey to Kansas City. We are renting an Air B&B in the area. Tim has a good friend there who we will spend Christmas Eve with. The rest of the time, we will do things in the area. We arrive on December 22 and drive back here December 26. My good friends, Paul and Mara from Wisconsin, will arrive December 27 and stay through the anniversary weekend of Jerry's death. They should be a big help to get me through this most difficult time. Here is my tree this year.

Keeping heaven in mind helps keep your life here on earth in line with God's perspective.

Isaiah 9:1a (NLT) - "Nevertheless, that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever." God always promises we will not stay in our state of deep grieving forever. It will pass and better times will come. The grieving is necessary and has actually been going on since the day of the stroke. I can still have great joy in Jerry's new body and new home, but there are just days when crying all day is good for my soul. I am so fortunate to have had a love worthy of crying all day!

Today I am thankful for:

1. Having the twins in my life to bring joy back to my days.
2. The season of Christmas when so many look to Jesus.
3. Having family to go away with to give this year something different.
4. Being down to my final editing of my book.
5. The blessings of being able to call God my father--how awesome is that?
6. The constant care God continues to give me day by day.
7. Prayer to be in contact with God throughout the day.
8. Wonderful sleep at night.
9. The memories--oh the memories!
10. The darkness of grieving will not last forever.

Tears and Joy for Thanksgiving

My first Thanksgiving without my husband. Wow--so many memories flood my thinking as I prepared this meal for family and friends. In keeping with the day, I want to share the many things I have to be thankful for today.

• Being married to a Christian man for over 50 years who loved his God, me and our family dearly.
• Progressing through the year with lots of tears but also lots of successes.
• Sharing my testimony 8 times this year at a variety of churches.
• Finishing the first draft of my book--now comes the editing!
• Having family local to come to our meal today.
• Having 4 wonderful international students from OU to join us and share their culture.
• Also having the precious 11-month old twins, Alaric and Tyler, their mother and great grandmother join us.
• One of our Iranian students becoming a Christian! Yeah!
• The smells of the turkey and dressing cooking.
• Getting some wonderful garden therapy this morning.
• The wonderful smells of the frozen herbs in my garden.
• The magic of a compost bin to take the dead plants and turn them into rich soil.
• Remembering taking Jerry last year to Tim and Lynn's for the meal.
• Remembering all the wonderful hugs and kisses I got from my sweetie.
• Having David stop by for awhile this afternoon (this is his dad's year to have him).
• Making my cornbread stuffing from my mother's Watkins cookbook she received in 1937 as a wedding gift.
• A comfortable house to host the meal.
• Beautiful weather today--63 degrees. We had the doors open this afternoon.
• God protecting me throughout my first 11 months as a widow.
• A good group of widows and widowers at church for support.
• Blessings beyond counting living in this free country.
• Freedom to worship as I want.

Psalm 95:2 - "Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song." We need to every day come to God with thanksgiving but especially today. I have be thankful in the midst of my sorrow because Jerry is at home, and I am safe and doing OK. Grieving is a healing process. Even though it hurts, it needs to. If I didn't feel pain in my grief, our love was not real. Grieving is the cost of love! I hope your day was blessed.

And the Tears Flow

The Changing Colors of Fall

Autumn is here showcasing the hues of color.

The trees are ready to shine in their glory.

Bringing a beauty to delight all those who see

The orange, yellow, and golden fading into brown.

Our forests build through the year in preparation

For their time of grandeur to again return.

The leaves glisten, sparkle in color for all to see.

The winds giving a rustling sound of fall.

Then they die and fall to the ground in mounds.

Children play in the dry, crackling heaps.

Gardeners rake, stack, mulch and compost

And all prepare for a season of seeming death.

Trees are bare, bushes naked—all their leaves gone.

Flowers have frozen—all the green has disappeared.

There is no life in nature—all is brown.

Winter is soon to come--a period of no growth.

But is this truly a time of death and no growth?

Is life over when the skeleton of limbs appears?

Why did God give us a season of death?

Everything looks so bleak, still and silent.

God is giving a time of rest and rejuvenation.

A time of silence when deep beneath the soil

Roots are soaking in nutrients in preparation

For a new season of growth in spring.

Our lives have seasons mimicking nature.

Seasons when we pull back from activity.

Times when we too need to rest and rejuvenate

Turning to God to refuel our souls.

The autumns of our lives leading us to winter

Are times of turning to God for nourishment.

Draw close to Him to soak up His love.

To be ready for the coming season of new growth.

The holiday season is bringing back so many memories which cause the tears to flow freely. The past few weeks, I have been writing every chance I get on my book. Yesterday, I completed rereading my CaringBridge journal which indicates the end of writing is very close.

It also meant I was reliving last fall when Jerry started his decline to his death. Especially reading again the 10 Hospice days brought back the days in the final hours with my sweetheart. I would read and try to type through the tears. Last Thanksgiving, he had already started the decline but we weren't as aware of it then as when we entered December. Entering Hospice December 20 and then spending the last 10 days in his bed will make this Christmas season very difficult indeed. 

For this Thanksgiving, I will focus on the many things I have to be thankful for in our 50 years marriage rather than the empty chair at the table. There will be 10 at my table with Tim, Lynn, David, 4 of the international students from OU, and the twins grandmother and mother who will bring the adorable twins. It should be a day of happiness with the precious new lives roaming around the house and being their adorable selves. 

Colossians 3:15 - "Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful." Peace is such a wonderful serendipity of serving our Lord and Savior! We are called to peace--not to arguing or disagreements or even friendly fights. With family around this Thursday, this is particularly appropriate to ask for peace. And, of course, be thankful. There are SOOO many scriptures on being thankful. It is a great attitude to have every day of your life and not just on Thanksgiving.

Today I am thankful for:

1. Tears of my grief showing my great love for Jerry.
2. Cooking yummy food for Thursday.
3. Cool fall air and the changing of the seasons.
4. Getting so close to having my book complete.
5. My daughter, Lynn's vocal chords getting so much better.
6. Playing in the hand bell choir last week at the Moore High School choir concert.
7. My sister being in town last weekend for a short visit.
8. My friend, Linda, coming this weekend for a visit.
9. Christian friends surrounding me during this time of grief.
10. God giving me great peace and having so much to be thankful for on Thursday.

Jerry Still Within Me

It has been interesting to see how many ways I seem to be copying Jerry in my own personality since he left me 10 months ago. A simple one was his favorite coffee flavor: Highlander Grogg. I ordered it recently from my son-in-law, Tim, and found it is my new favorite as well. I really like the flavor but also feel a part of Jerry when I drink it.

My sweetie was such a people person--a true Mary where I have always been a Martha. I am trying to incorporate more of that Mary personality into mine. I am just a partial person without Jerry. When you marry someone, the two become one flesh and we enjoyed that for 50 years. I am not complete without him making me want to take on more of his personality.

Then there is my writing. Jerry loved to write and wrote all the time. He was an excellent writer, very creative with words. However, Jerry was a starter and not a finisher. I had never written much (other than newsletters, bulletins, and all my Ph.D. work) until CaringBridge came along. Writing every day proved to be so therapeutic for me. Now in writing my book, I am also finding great joy in the writing process. This has been a week for real focus on the writing of my 22 Months with Jerry, Living the Abundant Life Caregiving with God. I am into September in my journal as I am reading and writing our story. So far I have 17 chapters in the book. Here is a listing of the chapters:

1. The Day Our Lives Changed Forever
2. What Do I Do Now?
3. Training for My New Job During the Skilled Nursing Days
4. Home Alone with Home Health
5. The New Normal
6. The Climax of the 50th
7. Creating a Network of Support
8. Fighting for the One You Love--Put on Those Boxing Gloves
9. Finding a Sanctuary for Survival While Being a Captive in Your Own Home
10. Life on a Pirate Ship
11. Weakness Means Strength
12. Thank You for the Struggles
13. Caring for the Man Who is No Longer the Same
14. Planning for the End and Living Day-to-Day--The Practical Side
15. When the End Comes
16. My Favorite Devotionals from the 22 Months
17. My Personal Psalms

Jeremiah 30:2 - “This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘Write in a book all the words I have spoken to you.'" God and I had a very close relationship during the 22 months I was a caregiver. No, I didn't receive a direct call from God like this one where He spoke to me audibly. However, I have received encouragement from several of my readers and feel passionate about sharing our story. I am laying it in God's hands to do whatever He wants done with the book. Of course, I would enjoy sharing my story not only though the book but also through speaking to tell our testimony. You have to have a test in order to have a testimony, and did I ever have a test!

Our first freeze came last night--about a week earlier than our average. The picture below is my Mexican Bush Sage, an annual which I cut in time to enjoy the blossoms a little longer. I am also trying to take a cutting and root it for next year. 

Today I am thankful for:

1. The changing of the seasons and cooler temps.
2. The garden going to sleep for the winter to return in its glory next spring.
3. Going to Panera by myself today and not crying until I was ready to leave--progress!
4. Great neighbors! Bert helped me get my small chest freezer out of my car and in its proper place in the garage.
5. Having such a wonderful story to tell about our 22 months together.
6. The reminders of God's greatness to us during those days.
7. The love we shared for so many years and was so special toward the end.
8. Facing Thanksgiving with thanks in my heart for my marriage.
9. A new kitchen/dining floor going in Monday.
10. The compelling drive I have to write my book telling God's story.

Yes, I Am Still Here!

It has been 2 weeks since I last posted. My sister-in-law, Shirley, was here from California for those 2 weeks. We had a super visit, but it left little time for posting. We shared a lot of grieving stories as her husband (Jerry's older brother) died 3.5 months after Jerry did. Shirley and I now have a close bond.

We shared what we miss the most about not having our husbands with us. For her getting ready to come on this trip, she had to pack for herself. Marvin, her husband, would always pack her suitcase for her when she left on trips. These Cox men were good packers. Jerry could always get more in a smaller space than I could. We miss having to figure out things on our own without having our guy to run things by. We miss holding hands during prayers at church and at home. We just miss having them around!

One of the things we enjoyed doing together was go to a high school musical. We also enjoyed eating out together. These are difficult to do alone and just not any fun. When she first arrived, we drove over to Searcy, AR to see some friends from California who had retired to Searcy. It was great getting to know Martha and Charlie.

Here in Oklahoma City, I took her to see the memorial for the bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building on April 19, 1995. It is a sacred place where so many died senselessly because of one man and his hatred. Across the street from the memorial is a church with the statue pictured below. Beneath the statue, it simply states, "And Jesus wept." All those people who say, "Where was God when this happened?" The statue says it all. He was crying with his Father in heaven over the pain His children were feeling.

   
Shirley and I also talked about what we do now. This quote was in my readings this week: "Our days are only worth living when the Lord is the director of them." Shirley and my lives have been completely turned upside down. All the things we did as a couple are now done as a single. However, if we turn over our lives completely to God, He will direct where He wants us to go and what He wants us to do. While Shirley was here, I spoke twice on Caregiving. It is truly awesome to share God's amazing care of us with others. I am praying God will bless that effort even more.

Psalm 48:14 - "For that is what God is life. He is our God forever and ever, and he will guide us until we die." How comforting to know God is always there in our past, present, and future. His guidance of our lives doesn't ever stop unless we stop it. We always have the option of taking back the reigns and living our lives without His guidance. May each of us daily turn our lives over to God's guidance.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Sweet memories of Jerry and Marvin.
2. Many tears over the last few weeks as my grieving continues and continues. Grieving means I loved someone dearly so thankful for the grief.
3. The wonderful visit I had with Shirley.
4. Beautiful fall colors in the trees.
5. Cool fall temps.
6. Getting to go to the musical Oklahoma tomorrow night for Oklahoma Christian's homecoming this weekend.
7. Visiting an old friend this week we knew in Tulsa, Dot.
8. God's never changing being.
9. Jesus weeping over our pain--how special that is.
10. God's direction in my life.